


Lost Boys

by MizDiablo



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, Awesome Sarah Rogers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Nurse Sarah Rogers, POV Alternating, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Sarah Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers, Rape Recovery, Sarah Rogers adopts everybody, Sarah Rogers is a good person, Smut, Touch-Starved, cooking solves all problems, so does movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-13 04:01:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18461075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizDiablo/pseuds/MizDiablo
Summary: Sarah Rogers did not raise a fool son.In fact, she did not raise any son at all. She let go of him and never expected to see him again. Instead, she moves on with her life alone, until she moves into a shady apartment building and meets a lonely, hunted shadow. A shadow that becomes part of her life.Then, her son shows up.





	1. The Stray

She moves in on a Wednesday, a week before she starts work. She only has a very few things to move, so it takes her less than a day to set up in the tiny apartment. The place is damp, old and the neighborhood is unkind to strangers, but Sarah Rogers is nothing if not resourceful. Especially not after she meets James.

He is standing outside the building when she arrives, huddled against the wall in a futile attempt to get shelter. He is wearing a too big hoodie, gloves and dark pants, like he is trying to hide from more than the wind. He is not looking at anything in particular, not really acting threatening, but no one on the street goes near him. They cross the road to give him space. But he is standing right next to her door.

His cigarette is halfway gone and Sarah, nurse that she is, sees no reason not to try and deter him from lighting another.

“Young man.” She asks kindly, gaining a surprised look from him. Most of his face is hidden behind a curtain of long, dark hair, but his eyes are sharp and attentive even if they never meet hers. “Could you help me with my things? It’s only to the first floor.”

The surprised look never leaves his face, but he extinguishes the cigarette and walks over to help her. She realizes belatedly that he is probably the type most people would avoid, broad and strong with a terrifying glare that never meets her eyes, but she was certainly not one to judge by appearance only. And his strength serves her purpose, as he easily carries her furniture into the apartment almost without her help. He even helps her setting things up, not saying a word the whole time. When he moves to get the lamps, Sarah stops him.

“No dearie, I have no tools for that. I’ll have to call somebody later.” She explains. He just nods and looks around the apartment. There is nothing more to do, it seems. Sarah walks him to the door with a smile.

“Thank you so much for the help. I would still be getting everything inside if not for you.”

He looks at her a little odd, still not meeting her eyes, but manages a small smile before he turns to leave. Sarah smiles, putting on some music, before she goes back to unpacking her things.

The next morning there is a knock on the door a little before nine. Sarah gets up, wondering. No one knows where she lives now, her few friends still wanting to hear from her. She opens the door cautiously, only to find the young man from the day before outside, holding a bag of tools. 

"For the... The lamps." he mutters, holding op the bag as way of explanation, looking at the ground in front of her. His voice is hoarse and unsure, like he is not used to speaking. 

"Oh, how sweet of you. Come in." Sarah holds the door and he goes in. He is wears a hoodie and glove again, even though they are inside and doesn't remove either as he begins to work on the lamps. Sarah watches him in silence, trying to figure him out. He might look scary, but he acts like he is afraid of doing something wrong. He says nothing while working with the lamps, but it is clear that he knows what he is doing and that he is very efficient.

Sarah is the one to break the silence. "I made lunch for us. Come eat with me." 

Again, he looks surprised, but puts down the tools and follows her to the kitchen. 

"I'm Sarah, by the way. Sarah Rogers." She says as she sits down by the table. The young man looks at the food without answering and does not move. Not until she gestures to the chair opposite herself.

"What’s your name?" She asks patiently.

"James..." He says, sitting down slowly, like he is still not sure if he is supposed to.

"James." She repeats, wanting to say it's a lovely name, but as soon as she says it, he flinches and looks away. So she stays quiet and starts eating.

It takes a moment before she realizes that James has not moved.

"Eat something dear, you must be hungry. You have been working all morning." She says gently. He looks at her quickly before looking at the food. She is starting to learn that confusion seems to be a more or less permanent part of his expression when she is talking to him. He moves slowly, taking some bread to make a sandwich, all the while keeping an eye on her, like he is afraid she will stop him. Sarah ignores it and returns to her own food.

They eat in silence. People on the street might be afraid of James, but Sarah only sees a scared kid, like a hunted animal. He hides behind his clothes and his long hair, never looking her in the eyes. He must be twenty-something, like her own son should be. Her Steve…

Sarah pushes the thought away and finishes her meal. She knows she did the right thing.

She is surprised to see how much food is gone from the table and realizes that James is looking away again, not moving. His clothes hides most of his body, making it hard for her to be sure, but the way he eat makes her think about the victims of starvation she has treated on the hospital.

“Could you help me clean up dear?” she asks. Anything more right now would scare him away. James gets up quick and quiet, getting the plates and moving to the sink. He helps with cleaning even with the glove and then goes back to hanging the last of the lamps. It takes less than an hour for him to finish and he collects his tools, moving to the door. Sarah goes with him.

“I was lucky to meet such a helpful young man.” She says, as she opens the door for him. “You were here early. Do you live nearby?”

James nods curtly, pointing to the neighboring door where a sign reads J. B. Barnes.

“Yes, that is rather close.” Sarah says with a smile. “Then it will be no trouble for you to come to dinner tomorrow. As a thank you for the help.”

Surprise leaves for confusion. “You… Um… Lunch…” His voice is still rough and more than a little unsure.

“Lunch was just common courtesy. A proper dinner will be a better thank you. And I will have time to unpack a little more in the meantime. So, tomorrow at 6.” She explains with a smile. James looks at her for a brief moment, then down again, but he is smiling that small smile again and nods.

“Perfect. Then I will see you tomorrow.” She says, patting his arm gently. She notices the way he freezes at the movement, but does not pull away. Then she goes back into her apartment. Getting to know him better is the only way to truly help. And feeding him seems to be a good way to get closer to him. Putting on music again, Sarah goes back to unpacking and arranging her new home.

Kitchen and living room in one, bedroom and a small bathroom. Not much, but enough. The bathroom was easy, nothing big to move and just a few of her things to arrange. The bedrooms is better now, the bed already there and most of the furniture being small things she could move on her own. The kitchen was a lot of sorting, but nothing big either. She could manage the small table and chairs just fine.

The living room is still a problem. The couch is at an angle she doesn’t like and the bookcase is in the middle of the floor. But overall she is pleased with the outcome. It is starting to feel like home. Her home.

At 5:58 PM, there is a knock on the door. Smiling, Sarah pulls the roast out of the oven and goes to answer. James seems a little unsure when she opens, but she lets him in with a smile. He looks much the same as before, a too big hoodie and a glove on the left hand, but his hair is clean for once and he has made an attempt to comb it back a little. It makes it easier to see his face. He must have shaved too; he is not as scruffy as the day before. He is rather handsome she notices, despite the dark shadows under his eyes. Had she been twenty years younger, then maybe… But as it is, she is fine with offering him her friendship and her food.

“Dinner is almost ready. Make yourself at home.” Sarah says as she goes to cut the roast. The dinner is a little more extravagant than she usually makes, but it seems fitting with James coming over.

When she turns to put the roast on the table, she sees that James has only moved a few steps inside. His hands are in his pockets and his shoulders are hunched, like he is still trying to hide.

“It’s not much, but it’s home.” Sarah says, standing next to him. James looks at the ground next to her and doesn’t answer.

“Come eat dear.” Sarah goes back to the table and sits down. After a moment James follows, sitting down like the day before, casting fleeting glances at the food in front of him. With a patient smile Sarah fills his plate with a little of everything before getting her own food. James watches her eat for a moment before he does the same.

“I am a nurse.” She says, mostly to fill the silence. “I moved here because I got a new job. I start on Wednesday. I like helping people, caring for them. I have been a nurse all my life.”

James watches her hands while she talks, eating his own food a little faster than can be considered normal.

“I needed a fresh start. Too many memories I wanted to get away from. I thought that if I just kept going, it would be better. I tried that for a very long time. But it never really got better. So I found a new job, a new home. I am excited to start working at the hospital. What about you dear? What do you do?” She asks, hoping to draw him into the conversation.

“I… I work for Pierce…” James says slowly. His voice is a little steadier now, but still very low. She knows the name, of course she does. Everybody knows about Alexander Pierce. Aside from being a prominent political figure, he owns most of the buildings in the area, including theirs.

“What do you do for him?”

James just shrugs, looking down at his food. Sarah decides not to push it. They finish the meal in somewhat comfortable silence. James helps with the cleaning again. Then he looks at the living room.

“Do… Do you need… More help?” he asks slowly.

Sarah smiles. “If you are not too busy. I need the couch and bookcase moved.”

James just nods and walks to the bookcase. “Where?”

“Oh… By the wall there, next to the door. Here, let me…” She moves to help him, but James lifts the bookcase on his own, putting the weight on his left arm and moving it to the wall next to the door. Sarah watches him carefully. The bookcase is made of wood and pretty heavy. It took both her and James to get it into the apartment yesterday. She worries that he might hurt himself, but it does not seem like the weight is too much for him.

After the bookcase comes the couch. James moves it so it lines up with the wall next to the bookcase and arranges her old TV in front of it. While James does the heavy lifting, she starts putting the books up.

She is halfway through the first box of books when he comes over to her. His eyes fall on an old copy of The Hobbit. The one her parents gave her when she started collage.

“Do you know it? Not even the movies?” she asks with a smile. He shakes his head, but his eyes never leave the book. Not until Sarah picks it up and hands it to him. “Here. You can borrow mine. I’ve read it several times by now.”

For once, he actually looks at her eyes, surprise and wonder in his face. Then he very carefully takes the book, his eyes moving to the cover again. He holds the book carefully, like he is afraid it might break.

When they say goodbye, she sees the small smile linger on his lips as he unlocks his own door, still holding the book carefully in his right hand.

She is done with most of her books and movies when there is a knock on the door the next day. She has learned to recognize the knock by now. Careful and a little timid, but loud enough not to be mistaken for anything but a knock.

When she opens the door, James holds the book out to her. “Oh. No, dear, you can keep it until you are done reading it.” Sarah says with a smile. James just holds the book out to her.

“Did you read it already?” she asks. James nods and she takes the book.

“Fast reader. Come in, come.” She moves so she can enter the apartment. He walks in slowly, hands in his pockets.

“Did you like it?”

James nods, smiling a little.

“Do you want to borrow The Lord of the Rings as well? It’s the sequel.” Sarah goes to her bookcase and finds the books. James walks with her and takes them as carefully as he did The Hobbit. “When you are done reading, I can show you the movies, if you want.” She smiles when he nods again. Then his shoulder slumps a little.

“I… I can’t cook…” He says.

“Why do you say that, dear?” Sarah prompts gently.

“As… Thank you… I can’t…” James stumbles a little over the words. Sarah smiles and puts her hand on his wrist. James freezes again, but stays completely still after that. She keeps her hand on him while she talks. “You don’t have to thank me. But if you want to, you can come by tomorrow and help me hang my paintings.”

When she removes her hand again, his eyes follow it. Then he looks away and nods, holding the book a little closer. He leaves a few minutes later.

The next day the knock on the door comes a little after noon. It’s Saturday and Sarah is almost done with arranging the apartment. Only the pictures are missing. Opening the door, she finds James looking at his feet. He is still in a hoodie, but it is a new one today, dark blue instead of black and his hair is still somewhat brushed away from his face. The bag of tools is in his right hand, the left is hidden in the pocket. He most likely has a glove on that again.

She holds the door open for him and lets him get inside before explaining what pictures go where. James works silently and efficiently and Sarah tries her best not to get in the way. It only takes a few hours for them to hang all the pictures and Sarah is finally happy with her new apartment.

While James hangs the last picture, Sarah finds a pitcher of ice tea and some cake for them. James carefully sits down on the sofa next to her after she smiles at him. When he practically inhales the first piece of cake, she gives him another with a smile. “No need to hurry dearie, it’s nice to have company. All my friends live far away now.”

James looks nonplussed, but eats his second piece slower.

“It looks good, don’t you think?” she says, not expecting him to answer. “I think everything is like I want it now. I was going to test my DVD next. Do you want to watch a movie with me?”

James looks at her face for a moment, before looking away again. But he smiles carefully and nods. Sarah goes to the bookcase with a smile. “What kind of movies do you like? I don’t have that many. I think I’ll have to get Netflix one of these days. Something fun? Or maybe something a little more exciting? What about Star Wars, do you like them?” She looks back at James, who shrugs.

“Have you never seen Star Wars?”

James shakes his head and Sarah picks up a movie. “Then we’ll start there. There are several, but we’ll start with the old ones. I like those. People can be almost religious about how to watch them, but these were made first so I think they go first.”

She prepares the movie and sits down on his right side. James follows her feet with his eyes when she moves, but otherwise he barely stirs. If not for the eyes he could be a figure made of wax.

They watch the movie in silence, but James eyes are very intent on the screen and when it ends he makes a small sound that is almost disappointed. Sarah smiles. “Did you like it?”

When he nods, she pats his knee gently before getting up. “Then we better watch the next one sometime, hmm? Do you have time tomorrow? If you come over around 4 you can help me make dinner. I can show you what to do and then we can watch the next one.”

James smiles again. It’s small and careful, but it’s there and he almost looks into her eyes. He gets up and goes to the door. Sarah walks with him. “Thank you for the help today. Without you I’d never have finished. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

James is still smiling when he goes into his own apartment. Sarah is pleased.

It’s 3:58 PM and there is a knock on the door. Sarah smiles to herself and puts her book away. She really should have expected that. She opens the door and let James in. He holds The Fellowship of the Ring out to her and she takes it. “You really are a fast reader. I suspect you’d like to borrow the next one then?”

James nods eagerly as she goes to get The Two Towers from the shelf. He looks a little less afraid by now, stands a little taller. He is still in a hoodie and a glove on his left hand, but his face is not hidden behind hair anymore. It’s a start. She hands him the book. “But you don’t have time to read now. We have a dinner to make.”

In the kitchen, she finds what they need. James turns out to be very proficient at following instructions and handles knifes like he has never done anything else. Sarah talks about cooking while they work, how long to boil pasta, where to get the best produces, what kinds of meats go well with what greens. James listens in silence and does everything she asks of him.

Dinner is done in record time and Sarah prepares the movie while James sets the table. They watch The Empire Strikes Back while eating and once again James is paying full attention to the screen. He only moves when Luke fights Darth Vader and looses his hand. Sarah sees James make a motion towards his own left hand before stopping himself. She doesn’t ask.

After the movie, they clean up together.

“Only one left of the original trilogy. Do you want to come watch it tomorrow?” she asks gently. James nods with that small smile and leaves with the book held like a treasure.

It’s 3:58 PM. Then it’s 4:00. Then 4:15, 4:30 and 5:00 PM. Still no knock on the door. At 5:30, Sarah gets up and knocks on James’ door, but no one answers. When she knocks again the next day, it’s the same. No answer.

Wednesday she goes to work at the hospital for the first time. Everybody is nice to her and the job is good. She really likes it, but worry about James hunts her entire day.

When she gets home from work, she sees him. James is standing in front of the door, huddled around himself, smoking. Sarah hurries over to him and smiles. “James, dear. Where have you been? I have been worried about you.”

He doesn’t look up, only flinches a little at the name. Then he shrugs a little. “Working…”

It’s dark out and the only light between them is the ember from his cigarette, but it’s enough to show her the dark bruises on her face.

“What happened?” she asks, worry filling her again.

Another shrug. “’s nothing.”

“That is not nothing James Barnes!” She is not sure whether it’s her tone of voice or the name that makes him flinch this time, but she ignores it and grabs his arm. “My apartment, now!”

Her hand can barely wrap around the muscles in his arm, but when she tugs at him, he follows her without a fight and she leads him all the way in the door. Inside, she sits him down on the couch and pulls his hood away. In the light the damage is even more obvious. The right side of his face is covered in bruises and there is a cut on his cheek, just below the eye. His nose and hairline is crusted with blood.

While she examines his face he sits as still as she has come to expect of him, not even moving when she carefully prods the bruises.

“Whatever have you gotten yourself into dear boy?” she asks as she runs a careful finger along the cut. He looks away and says nothing. With a sigh, she changes tactics. “Where else are you hurt?”

Again he stays still, but this time she does not let it go. “If you do not tell me on your own, I will strip you down and search ever inch of you, so help me God!”

His eyes flick to her face for a second and there is something on his face that she cannot interpret. Then he looks away again and mumbles: “Ribs…”

Gently, she lifts his shirt until she can see his side underneath. It’s bad in many ways. His ribs are obvious, not enough to be dangerous, but enough to be unhealthy. His skin is mostly pale, unless where it gives way for dark purple marks that go from his hip to his shoulder. Again he stays still while she examines the wounds.

“Nothing broken. Take a deep breath for me.” She says softly and he does. Deep and without complain, like he does not even feel the bruises.

“Did you take anything for the pain?”

When he shakes his head, she looks up in surprise. Then she gets up and goes to gather antiseptic, a bag of frozen vegetables wrapped in a towel, a glass of water and some painkillers. When she gets back, he still hasn’t moved, not even to pull the shirt back down. He just waits for her, like a statue, looking at the floor in front of him.

“Here, take these.” She hands him the painkillers and he swallows them without even reaching for the water. She still gives him the glass and he drains it quickly. Then she gives him the frozen bag and tells him to hold it to his side while she cleans his face and puts antiseptic on the wound. Luckily, she can’t find any signs of a head injury despite the blood and the cut is not deep enough to need stitches.

“You need to rest.” She tells him. “But don’t stay in the same position for too long. And try to take deep breaths, even if it hurts.”

James just nods, breathing deep and slow, like he doesn’t even feel the pain. She knows her painkillers are not that good.

“Do you want to rest here a bit? I never liked being alone when I was hurt.” She asks with a smile. He looks at her carefully for a moment, then nods again.

“We can watch TV, I got it working yesterday. And then you can sleep if you want without missing anything.” She goes to put the antiseptic away and comes back with a bottle of water for him. When she sits down on his left side, he moves a little away from her.

She finds a nature documentary for them to watch and stays on her side of the couch. After an hour and a half of listening to David Attenborough she looks over to see James resting his head on the back of the couch, fast asleep, his breathing slow and steady. Even asleep there is a slight furrow in his brow, like he constantly worries about something. The dark shadows under his eyes are more prominent than last she saw him and his hair and beard are back to scruffy and unkempt. Wherever he was, whatever he did, personal hygiene and sleep were not part of it.

She wants to hold him. To wrap her arms around him, stroke his hair and protect him from what ever it is that hurts him so. To keep him safe, like she never got to do for her own son. But she stays on her side of the couch.

He wakes with a start, hands in front of him and wide eyes searching the room. Sarah looks at him in surprise and for a moment he just stares at her with something like fear in his eyes. Then he looks away again. “Sorry…”

“Don’t apologize for having a nightmare dear. It’s not your fault.” She says kindly, turning to look at him. “How do you feel?”

“’m fine.” He mumbles, still not looking at her. Sarah tilts her hear a little, trying to figure out if she will get anywhere by pushing the issue, but decides against it when James gets up to get home.

“I would like to check your ribs again tomorrow. If you come over when I’m done with work, we can watch Return of the Jedi afterwards.”

He pauses on the way to the door, then nods slowly before leaving. Sarah looks after him filled with worry, hoping that she can do at least a little to help him.

Work is easier the next day, because she know he will come over when she gets home. At least she hopes so. He might disappear on her again, but until he does, she will remain positive.

He doesn’t disappear. When she gets home from work, he is standing outside smoking, waiting for her. Obedient and punctual. For some reason the thought makes her sad.

With a smile she leads him inside and sits him down on the couch to check his injuries. He stays still again, letting her touch the fast healing bruises on his skin, but not removing his shirt more than he has to. He looks better today, more healed than he should be by the extend of the damages from yesterday. She comments on it, but he says nothing.

When she is satisfied with his injuries, she gives him a bottle of water and a few painkillers while getting dinner ready. She made sure it would be easy today, so she just has to heat it up before they can turn on the movie and eat. James enjoys the movie and he smiles again for the first time since he came back, eating more than should be possible and far more than Sarah does.

None of them say much, but it is a nice evening. When James leaves, she makes him promise to come again for a check-up the next day and he does, bringing The Two Towers with him. Sarah exchanges it for The Return of the King before getting dinner ready. James helps, but when he reaches for the chicken with his gloved left hand, Sarah stops him.

“That’s just unsanitary dear. Must you always wear that? I’m sure what is under cannot be worse than what I have seen on the trauma ward.” She says with a smile, hoping for it to be the right move. He is still so much like a wild animal. A push too far might spook him, but she wants him to trust her. To know she will never judge him for something like that.

He pauses for long enough to make her doubt her decision. Then he reaches up and slowly removes the glove, exposing the hand. It is nothing like what she has imagined of burn wounds or skin abnormalities. It’s metal. Sleek and a little shiny, it is obviously well cared for, but it is like no prosthesis she has ever seen. It has to be custom-made and very expensive. It explains his surprising strength but that is all. Seeing it actually raises more questions than it answers and she longs to ask, but another push could very possibly be too much. One step at the time.

“Thank you dearie. Now wash up before you cut the bird.” She just says, turning to the vegetables in front of her. James hesitates a moment, perhaps expecting more of a reaction from her, but then he returns to cooking.

They start on the prequels that night and James seems to enjoy those as well. The next week pass quickly like that. James comes over when she comes home, sometimes bringing a book back, cooking with her and watching a movie. Sarah lends him The Martian next and finds that while he seems to like fantasy, he is really interested in Sci-Fi and she buys a few Star Wars novels in a local second-hand store. She says nothing of getting them for him, pretty sure that he would not let her buy them for him. Luckily they are cheap and worth it to see the smile on his face.

After the prequels come the sequels, then The Martian, as he liked the book and then The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings now he is done with the books.

Before they are done with them, he disappears again. This time for two weeks. There are only a few other people on their floor, a broad man who never greets her and an elderly woman with too many cats. With James missing, the entire floor seems too quiet. Sometimes she thinks she can hear voices from his apartment, but they go quiet when she comes near. Every day she gets home she knocks on his door and for too long she gets no answer.

Then she does and it’s much worse.

It’s Friday and she has the weekend off. She knocks before going to her own apartment and is actually surprised when the door opens. She can barely see him in the dim light and he makes no move to get closer. Still, she can see the two black eyes, the blood around his nose and the day old beard on his chin. He does not even try to meet her eyes.

“Oh sweetheart.” Maybe it’s too much. They have only known each other for a few weeks and there is much she still does not know about him, but it surprises her how much seeing him like this hurts. He doesn’t react.

The apartment behind him is dark and it feels like an intrusion to invite herself in. Instead she asks: “Will you come to my apartment? Please?”

He hesitates a little, but then nods and goes with her. He walks slowly, like it hurts to move. When they get inside, he sits down on the couch and she sits in front of him. “Is it any more than your face?”

He turns his head, a flicker of shame running across his features before he can hide it. She puts a gentle hand on his cheek and turns his face towards her. “James, please…”

For once, the name does not make him flinch. He presses his face a little into her hand and closes his eyes before he answers. “Back…”

She holds a moment before taking her hand away and she can see the way his eyes follow it with an almost tangible longing. “Take off your shirt and let me see.”

She has to help him get the shirt off. He is only wearing the hoodie and nothing underneath and there is blood on the back. Without the shirt, she can see that the metal from the hand goes all the way to his shoulder and not in a way where it is meant to be taken off. His ribs are still too prominent, but his shoulders are broad and strong. His back is an uneven pattern of marks, long and dark, with bloody lines running from his neck to his waist. It’s bad. It’s thorough. She has no doubt how he got the marks.

“How did this to you?” She says gently, looking at his face again. He turns his head away.

“James… Let me help you… Tell me who –“

“No!” For the first time his voice is firm and he is looking her right in the eye. “You can’t! It’s dangerous!”

He holds her eyes for a long moment before looking back at the floor and that, more than anything, convinces her to let it go for now.

“Okay… Okay, then let me treat your back. Let me help with that.” She says softly. This time, he nods.

She gets up and gathers painkillers, a bottle of water, a washcloth, water and bandages. She gives him the painkillers and water bottle first, watching him swallow the pills before she sits behind him on the couch and gently cleans his wounds. Then she puts on the bandages, hiding the worst of the lacerations and helps him put the hoodie back on. He hardly moves through all of it.

When she is done, she sits down in front of him. His eyes are on the floor, never going near her face. This time, she does put her arms around him, pulling him close. He leans into her touch slowly, hesitantly. She would have liked him to cry or put his arms around her, she is sure it would help him, but he doesn’t. He just buries his face in her hair and breaths a little unevenly for a while.

At some point he falls asleep. Sarah wait until she is sure it will not wake him before she moves, carefully laying him down on the couch and covering him with a blanket. She sits down by his head and reads quietly.

He sits up abruptly a while later, looking around in confusion before he recognizes the apartment. Then he gets up slowly and moves to the door. Sarah follows him.

“Will you come over tomorrow so I can check your wounds?” She asks when he opens the door. He nods once before leaving.

James knocks on her door a little after lunch the next day. He lets her check the wounds that are already healed more than she would expect without ever looking up from the floor. She sits him on the couch with cookies and iced tea afterwards, putting the nature documentary on. They watch it in silence, but he does eat every cookie she puts in front of him.

This time it takes three days before he smiles again, but he does when she shows him a nature series on animal children. A colleague mentioned it at work and it seemed like a safe thing to pick after a few weeks absence.

They move forwards from there. Sarah does not bring the wounds up again and neither does James. They watch movies and make dinner, talking only very little. She learns that, in addition to fantasy and Sci-Fi, James also like history, especially World War 2 and the battles in Europe. She buys more second hand books and even convinces him to keep a few of them.

Sometimes he will disappear for a while, from a few days to several weeks, and most often he will be wounded when he gets home, but rarely more than the first time. The beatings don’t happen often and they never talk about them. She just cleans him up and holds him afterwards.

She enjoys his company. Even if he rarely says anything, he is clever and attentive. He is smiling more and she even manages to make him laugh a few times. It’s a rough sound, like a bark, unfamiliar in his mouth, but it warms her hearth to hear it.

It’s progress, even if it is slow, but she has time. Most of her friends live far away and getting to know James is like getting a second chance at taking care of her lost son. She has no doubt he could take care of himself and survive, but it is obvious that he needs someone to show him attention and affection.

Sometimes she can almost forget what she knows he must live through. But not often.

It happens while cooking. He reaches for a pan and misses the vase on the edge of the table. It falls to the floor with a loud crash. Sarah looks up in surprise to see James freeze at the sound, looking at the broken vase.

Then he moves without thinking, like a reflex. He goes to his knees on the floor, pulling his shirt off to expose his back, hands resting on his knees. Sarah’s heart breaks a little. It’s second nature to him. He made a mistake and he expects to be punished for it.

“Oh no dear.” She drops the knife she was holding and falls to her knees in front of him, pulling him into a fierce hug. “No. I will never hurt you like that, not ever. I promise. I will never hurt you James.”

This time, he puts his arms around her. It happens slowly, hesitantly, like he still expects her to stop him, but in the end, he wraps his arms around her and hides his face in her hair, breathing deeply.


	2. The Son

Most of the time, being adopted by the government (not even a person within the government, but the actual fucking government) is perfectly fine. They gave him a good education, trained him to be a skilled soldier and even let him keep his name. They did a lot more than that, of course, but mostly he tries not to think about that. But they are not family. Natasha and Clint are almost family, they are as close as he gets, but it’s still not what he wants. And they can’t give him the answers he needs.

Being Captain America is great, most of the time too. Helping people, saving lives, training his team. Getting to put Nat and Clint on the team only made it better. For a while he only saw Bruce as a necessary addition, but then he came to know the man behind the monster and found that he is very easy to like. Even Tony. They had a lot of disagreements in the beginning, fights that went from words to fists, but when Nat and Clint started spending more and more time together, Tony was the first to step in with his friendship.

They are his team and his friends. Most of the time that’s enough. But not always. And none of them can answer his questions. So Tony steps in again, with his resources and his AI and his time. It takes a while, but having JARVIS help makes it possible.

And that is why he ends up on the wrong side of town, outside an old apartment building with a name and address and an army of butterflies in his stomach. He has thought about turning back several times already, maybe come back another day, take a break and get his thoughts in order. But he know it will never be easier, no matter how long he waits, no matter how much he thinks. It has to be now. He needs answers.

Walking into the building he passes a man almost hidden in a hoodie. He takes a step away from the man, hoping the other occupants of the building are not as threatening as that. Seeing another man leave his apartment with a scowl on his face does nothing to make him feel better. He stops in front of the door and feels his heart stop a little. This is it. He really hopes someone is home. He hopes no one answers.

He takes a deep breath before knocking on the door. He can hear someone move on the other side almost at once and he has to close both hands to ground himself.

Then the door opens and she is there. She is old enough that it can be seen in her hair and face, but it just makes her look more friendly and welcoming. The blond hair goes to her shoulders and the clear blue eyes are open in surprise.

Before she can say anything, he takes a deep breath and starts to ramble a little. “Sarah Rogers? My name is Steve. Rogers. I think… I think I may be your son.”

“Oh… Oh my god…” She covers her mouth with a hand and lets out a gasp that is almost a sob.

Steve opens his mouth to say something more, he had a whole speech planned, but then he is tackled and slammed into the wall by a hand that is much stronger than it should be. The man in the hoodie is in front of him, pinning him to the wall with his left hand around Steve’s throat. Steve is surprised, both that he did not hear the man coming and that he can actually pin Steve. He would commend on that, but he can’t really breathe. The man in front of him has stormy grey eyes, the only part of his face that are clear through the curtain of dark hair.

“No James. Let go of him.” He hears a woman’s voice. Sarah. He can’t see her at the moment, but she must still be there.

“He made you cry.” The voice is more like a growl and the hand tighten around Steve’s throat.

“Good tears dearie. Good tears. Now put him down. James, let him go!” A bit of sternness comes into her voice at the end and the hand disappears. Steve choughs and leans a little on the wall to keep from falling. In front of him, the man bends his head and moves to go on his knees, but Sarah grabs his arm. “Oh no, dear, none of that now. Into the apartment, both of you, please.”

Steve is a little surprised as the man follows her without resisting. Sarah pauses a little in the door to look back at Steve and he hurries to follow her. It’s not like he imagined it, but it is happening. Finally.

Inside, she makes the man sit down on the couch and waves Steve over as well.

“Sorry…” His voice is low and Steve wonders if he would have heard it without his enhanced hearing. Sarah smiles and runs a hand over his hair. “Nonsense dear. It’s nice to know someone will come running to protect you. But you don’t need to protect me from Steve. Now, I want you to greet each other properly. James, this is Steve Rogers. Steve, this is James B. Barnes.”

“B.?” Steve moves slowly to the couch, looking at the two of them. He asks without thinking, trying to get his mind to follow what just happened.

“Buchanan.” The man answers, looking down. He seems surprised, like no one ever thought to ask that before. “I… I’m sorry about…”

“You’d be surprised how many of my friends I met by fighting. No hard feeling Buck.” Steve says with a smile, holding a hand out to him.

“Buck?” The man looks up at Steve for the first time since attacking him in the hall.

“Yeah, short for… Buchanan… It’s… Um… If you don’t like it…” Steve says a little insecure. He runs a hand through his hair, smiling weakly.

“No, I… I do…” The man smiles. It’s small and timid, but its there.

“Bucky it is then.” Steve says, his smile bigger now. Bucky finally takes his hand and shakes it.

“There we go.” Sarah says with a smile, sitting down next to Bucky and looking at Steve. “Now we better talk.”

He sits down on a chair in front of them. Steve is surprised that he almost forgot why he came. Getting pinned down in the hall by a stranger had pushed it from his mind, but now he remembers and feels a little nervous. This is really it.

“Right… Yes… I… Like I said, I think… I’m pretty sure I am your son, Ms. Rogers. I… I had a friend help me find you and I wanted… I need to… I need to understand why…” He stumbles through, not really getting the words out like he wanted, but she is smiling at him, so it can’t be that bad. Her eyes are shiny.

“Call me Sarah dear. I…” She clears her throat and places a hand on his knee. Steve has to take a moment to collect himself at the touch. “I am so very glad you came to find me. I have thought a lot about you. Every day since I gave you up.”

“But why… Why did you…” He pauses, unable to ask. Why did you leave me? Why didn’t you want me?

“I never wanted to give you up. I always wanted a child. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy. I wanted to tell my fiancée, but he… He was a soldier and… He died before I ever got the chance to tell him…” She looks down at her hand, still resting on his knee and takes a deep breath. “I wanted to raise you on my own. I thought I could. But a few months before I was supposed to give birth I… I was diagnosed with cancer… And I… The doctors said I had a year to live, two if I was lucky and I couldn’t… I wouldn’t do that to a child… So I had to give you away…” She looks up at him then, tear in her eyes and he has to swallow the lump in his throat.

“I… I never thought… What happened?” Steve asks.

“I got into an experimental treatment program. I was sick for a very long time, but eventually I got better. I’m cured now, the treatment helped.” She says gently. “I… I thought it was too late to find you again. I expected you to have a new family by then and I could not bring myself to disrupt that. I only wanted what was best for you.”

Steve nods slowly, letting the words sink in. He barely notices that Sarah sends Bucky to the kitchen after something, too lost in thoughts. Then he feels her arms around him and for the first time in his life, Steve Rogers gets a hug from his mother, and at the same time it is everything he hoped for and way too much at once. He doesn’t realize he is crying before he hears himself sob and feels his hands grab at her dress. Sarah gently runs her fingers through his hair and holds him while he cries.

When he finally pulls away from her to wipe his eyes, he sees that she is crying too, but she is smiling at him. Bucky is there as well, sitting on the other end of the couch, looking at the floor, acting like he does not expect to be acknowledged at all. There is a pot of tea and a plate of cookies on the table.

“Do you have more questions Steve?” Sarah asks while wiping her eyes. “I’ll answer anything you want to know.”

“I… I want to get to know you… Can we do that? Can… Can I be a part of your life?” he asks, nervous again. She has been kind to him so far, but she might not want a son in her life. Maybe she wants to continue without him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he is glad turned Natasha and Clint down when they offered to come with him. He has to do this on his own. And they don’t need to see their Captain crying or scared to be turned away. Captain America could very easily be bested by a small blond woman with a plate of cookies.

“Of course you can dear. I want to know everything about you.” She says with a bright smile as she gets a cup of tea and hands it to him. Steve accepts it and is very glad that his hands are only shaking a little bit. He hopes Sarah is too distracted by getting another cup to notice.

“Don’t sit so far away dearie.” Sarah says and Steve looks up. Bucky is sitting so still that Steve forgot he was there for a moment, but now he moves a little closer as Sarah hands him a cup of tea as well. It’s a little odd to Steve that Sarah has not asked Bucky to leave. Finding her again has been very personal for him, he’d have thought she would want to be alone with him. He’d have though he wanted to be alone with her too, but he finds that Bucky’s presence does not really bother him. Bucky is so quiet in every way that he does not disturb them.

“Now tell me about your life Steve.” Sarah prompts as she gets herself a cup of tea. Steve smiles a little. He forgot to prepare for this part. How do you explain what happened to him? His life is not exactly normal.

“Well, I… Um… I got adopted by the government, they… They raised me and trained me. I’m… Um… Have you heard about Captain America?” He asks, looking down when she nods with a questioning look on her face. He can feel his face grow hot and he knows that he is blushing. “That’s… Um… That’s me…”

Sarah looks at him with wide eyes. Mostly his identity, as all of the Avengers’ identities, is kept secret, but he does decide whom to tell and he wants her to know and she seems to trust Bucky. It’s always very strange when people find out and it takes a moment before she can say anything. “But… That is so dangerous! You must get hurt…” She looks so worried and he can’t keep from smiling. Seeing her care like that means so much more to him than he expected.

“I heal quickly. I got injected with a serum that made me stronger, faster and more enduring. It also means that I heal very fast, but I can’t get drunk.” He explains.

For a moment Sarah is quiet, but then she smiles. “Well, at least I don’t have to worry about you driving drunk then. But still… It seems like a dangerous line of work…”

“It is. But I like helping people and I don’t fight alone. I have a team with me.” Steve says. “We keep each other safe.”

“Does it make you happy? To be Captain America?”

“I… Yes… Knowing I make a difference, knowing I save lives… Yes, it makes me happy…”

Sarah smiles and puts her hand gently on his. “Then I won’t speak against it.”

He can’t help but smiling, even if he is a little surprised she accepted it so fast. Sarah lets go of his hand to offer Bucky a cookie and he just watches her a moment. He can see a little of himself in her features, in the way she moves. He never doubted that JARVIS had found the right person, but seeing her like this makes him sure.

The rest of the night is a little bit of a blur to him. They talk for hours, Bucky sitting silently next to Sarah all the time. She talks about her life and her work at the hospital, he tells her about his friends (albeit only with their known codenames, their secrets are not his to tell), his work and his life. She asks about his private life more than work. “Are you happy? How do you spend your free time? Do you have a girlfriend?” He answers as best he can. Yes, he is happy. He spends his free time training or drawing. No, he does not have a girlfriend. Nor does he want one, but he does not tell her that. She said he could be part of her life. He will explain that part later.

It’s late when he leaves with a promise to come back for dinner the next day. Bucky stays to help Sarah clean up and Steve feels a stab of jealousy watching them together, but he reminds himself that he has no right to feel that way. They have only just met.

When he walks out the door, he sees that the neighboring apartment belong to J. B. Barnes.

Steve thinks that he can slip into the tower and go to his room without anyone noticing. Steve is wrong. He is barely on the floor he shares with the other Avengers when he hears a voice from somewhere above him. "Out late, are we Captain?"

He looks up to find Clint lounging atop the cabinets. Before he can answer, someone steps up next to him. "So you found her?" Natasha smirks. He should have expected this. He generally expects them to know everything, but he still hoped he would have a little time to think before telling them. But they are here now and there is nowhere to run. "Yes. I found her."

"And?" Clint jumps to the floor and walks up to them.

"She was wonderful." Steve smiles. Of all the people he knows, Natasha and Clint are most likely to understand. They were adopted too. Not as infants as he was, Natasha was 6 and Clint was 14, but they still understand him better than most. Bruce and Tony both knew their parents, but neither Nat nor Clint did. Opposed to Steve however, they both know that they will not be able to find any living relatives.

So he tells them everything. How he met her and Bucky ("He pinned me to the wall. With one hand!"), what he learned about her ("She's a nurse. She saves lives.") and what she asked of him ("Do I have a girlfriend? It that a mandatory mother question even when they have just met you?"). He tells them all of it and tries to makes sense of both her and Bucky, which is not really easy. They seem worried about Bucky and he know they only want to keep him safe, but he is not afraid of Bucky. He is curious.

That night he dreams about a strong hand pinning him to the madras and he wakes up disappointed at being alone.

The next day finds him distracted at work. He is not as attentive in training as he should be, so Natasha knocks him on his ass several times before giving up on sparing with him. Time passes too slowly for him, but finally he can leave.

This time be brings flowers and though he is still nervous, he is far more excited. Before he knocks, he can hear Sarah's voice on the other side. "No, three plates dear. Remember, Steve is coming." There is a pause, then an unexpected warmth fills her voice. "No sweetheart, you too. Just because Steve is here does not mean you have to leave."

Steve wonders again at their relationship. Sarah has no other children than him, she told him so yesterday, and they are obviously not lovers. Bucky seems more like a stray she is trying to take care off.

Listening like this feels rude, so he knocks. Sarah opens the door with a smile and hugs him before he can say anything. "Welcome Steve. Come in, dear, come in."

He had been so afraid it would be awkward or strange or that they would not like each other or she would not care for him that a simple easy hug like that is enough to leave him a little flustered. He manages to give her the flowers, earning him a kiss on the cheek, which just makes him even more flustered, but either Sarah does not see it or she ignores it as she goes to find a vase.

In the apartment Steve finds Bucky moving an extra chair to the table. He notices that Bucky is wearing a glove on his left hand. Come to think of it, he wore the same glove yesterday. It would have left a mark on Steve's neck had it not been for the serum.

"Sit down you two. Dinner is almost ready." Sarah says with a smile, bringing the last pot to the table as they sit down. While they each get some, she looks at Steve. "How was your day dear?"

Even if Steve had hoped to be alone with Sarah and still feels a little jealous at Bucky, the easy endearment and caring tone is everything he had dreamed of and he starts talking about his day. Bucky eats in silence, but Sarah asks about his training and his friends.

"We were watching some clips of your fights before you came." She says when he is done. "It still seems dangerous to me, but James was impressed."

"Really?" Steve looks at the other man, who nods. "Good technique. Useful abilities. Too much reliance on others." He says without looking at him. Steve gets the feeling that it is a rare thing for Bucky to say so much at once.

"You seem to know what you are talking about. What do you do?" Steve asks.

"Work for Pierce." Bucky shrugs and Steve gets the definite impression that the conversation ends there. He knows Pierce, of course. Everybody does. He is a very influential political figure. Steve has met him a few times as Captain America. He has never paid much attention to the man, talking to people like that was always Tony's thing. He remembers Pierce as a stern man in an impeccable suit with a metal lined belt and shiny black shoes.

Sarah asks him about his life in the tower then and the conversation moves away from Bucky. Still, Steve is watching him closer today. He reminds him of Natasha and Clint. Especially Clint, with the way he is completely still most of the time. It always made Steve marvel how Clint, how seemed so impatient out of work, could be still for hours waiting to take a shot. Bucky is still in the same way that Clint is when he is waiting to shoot someone.

After dinner Steve helps with the dishes while Bucky moves the chair away from the table again. Steve uses the moment of relative privacy to ask Sarah "How well do you know him?"

"I met James the day I moved in here, so a year and a half I think." She says with a gentle smile.

"But what do you really know about him?" Steve is used to seeing dangerous people and he is pretty sure Bucky is a very dangerous man, even if he seems lost most of the time.

"I know enough Steve." A hard edge has come into her voice.

"But do you even know what he does? What he -"

Sarah stops him with a look. Steve has never been subjected to the Captain-America-is-disappointed-in-you-look, but he gets the feeling that it is much like the Sarah-Rogers-is-very-disappointed-in-you-look and he suddenly understands why it is so effective. "I know enough." She says again. "I care a great deal about you Steve, but as long as you are in my home, you will treat James with nothing but kindness and respect. Do you understand?"

"Yes ma'am." Steve says, looking down.

"Good." Sarah smiles like nothing happened and puts the last dish away. "Now let's go into the living room so you can tell me about what is like working next to that Tony Stark fellow."

So when Steve visits Sarah, Bucky is there. He is a quiet shadow in the background, rarely participating in the conversation but always helping Sarah with something. Steve grows used to his presence and tries not to wonder about all the things he is not allowed to ask.

Several days are spent in comfortable silence with Sarah and Bucky reading and Steve drawing. They fit so seamlessly into this silence that Steve is sure this is something they have done long before he came into their lives. He also finds that Bucky is an excellent model because of his stillness. Using Bucky as his model means that Steve spends a lot of time looking at him. He finds that he does not mind that as much as he thought he would.

The first time he sees Bucky without the glove, he bites his tongue and says nothing.

That night Steve dreams of a metal hand and wakes up feeling alone.

Sarah and Bucky become a stable part of his life. He does not have time to visit them every day, he has his work and his friends, but he is there two times a week or more. Every time he comes, Sarah greets him with a bright smile and a hug. He feels welcome with her in a way he never felt welcome before. His friends are great, he loves them, but this is different. This is family.

He is not annoyed at Bucky anymore, no matter how much time he gets to spend with Sarah. It quickly became clear that Sarah had no problem caring about both him and Steve, so Steve accepts Bucky as part of his life.

So Bucky is there when Steve comes to see Sarah, until he isn’t. Steve arrives a little later than normal after a long meeting with SHIELD and hardly knocks before he is in the apartment. Sarah stopped opening the door for him after about a month, so he is expected to let himself in by now. He is surprised to see that Sarah is alone in the kitchen, making dinner for one. She smiles at him and greets him with a hug as always, but her eyes are worried.

“Steve, dear, how good to see you. Just in time for dinner.” She says and moves to get another plate.

“Yes, I had a meeting. I… Where is Bucky?” Steve asks, getting utensils for himself.

“He isn’t here today.” Sarah says briskly.

“But where is he?” Steve tries.

“He is away, working. There is no telling when he will be back.” Sarah puts the food on the table. “Come, sit.”

Steve sits down opposite her at the table. For once, the silence is a little awkward. Steve wonders how much he can ask. It must be different with just the two of them.

“You don’t know where he is?” He tries.

“No dear. I never do.” She says.

“So he has been gone before?”

“Yes. Once or twice every other month. It is very unpredictable.” She is not mad, he realizes. Just worried. Whatever it is that Bucky does when he is away, it worries her. Maybe it is because she never knows when he will be back, but Steve is beginning to think that it might be because what he does is dangerous.

“I’m sure he will be back soon.” Steve says, taking her hand reassuringly for a moment.

“Thank you dear. I’m sure you are right.” She says with a smile.

The rest of the evening is very nice. It’s not very different without Bucky he realizes. Sarah treats him the same and they do many of the same things that they would do with Bucky there. It is only different in unpleasant ways. The apartment feels a little emptier and Sarah is more worried. When he leaves, he is worried too.

He spends the next couple of days using JARVIS’ help to investigate what kind of job Bucky could have, but he can barely find any traces of him, no matter where he looks and Pierce is part of too many projects to search all of them for a single employee. He visits Sarah more in the following week so she does not have to be alone.

Bucky is gone for eleven days. Steve is following Sarah home from work when she stops outside Bucky’s door to knock. Steve has learned that she does this every day he is gone. There have been no answer so far, but this time Steve hears movement in the apartment and then the door opens. Bucky is hiding his face behind his dark hair and a hoodie, but he looks exhausted. There are dark marks under his eyes and it’s clear that he hasn’t shaved in a while.

“Dear, will you come eat with us?” Sarah asks with a gentle smile.

Bucky looks from Sarah to Steve for a moment, then he nods and walks with them to her apartment. Inside, Sarah looks at Bucky with a stern look. “No hood inside.”

When Bucky takes the hood off, Steve sees a purple mark on his chin. Sarah grabs his chin gently and turns his head so she can see the mark. “Where else are you hurt?” She asks. Steve is a little surprised at how much it seems like something they have done before.

“Nowhere.” Bucky says quietly, keeping his eyes on the floor.

“I will not have you lying to me James Barnes.” Sarah says, not letting go of his chin.

“’m not. Didn’t get hurt.” Bucky says a little louder. Sarah lets go of him, still looking skeptical. “Very well. I do trust you, dear. Why don’t you go clean up a bit while I get started on dinner with Steve?”

Bucky nods and goes to the bathroom. Steve follows Sarah to the kitchen, looking over his shoulder at Bucky.

“This has happed before?” He asks, surprised at how much worry bleed through his voice.

“Yes. Hand me that pan dear.” Sarah says as she starts to make dinner.

“But… He gets hurt at work.” Steve says, trying to understand how she can be so calm about it.

“So do you Steve. Now help me with dinner.” Sarah says.

“Yes, but I… My work is different… Can’t we –“ Steve tries, but Sarah stops and looks at him. “There is only so much we can do for him Steve. He does not want us to know what he does and asking is only going to chase him away. It is better not to know, if he at least lets me treat his injuries when he gets back.”

Steve never gets a chance to answer, because Bucky gets back from the bathroom then. He looks a little better. His hair is pulled back in a tail and his face is clean, which only draws more attention to the dark mark on his chin.

Steve agrees with Sarah. From the sound of it, Bucky usually gets more hurt than this and scaring him away would only leave him alone to take care of the wounds. But Steve does make a mental note to find a better way to help.

Bucky does not speak for the rest of the night and it takes four days before he smiles again.

Steve really wants Bucky to smile.

“I could tail him for a few days.” Natasha offers, when he tells his team about Bucky getting back. “Find out where he goes.”

“No. I don’t want to betray his trust.” Steve says. He does not say that he has already thought about asking her. He does not say that he has thought about doing it himself. He does agree with Sarah. Following Bucky around would be worse than asking him questions. If Bucky found out, he would never trust them again and Steve has a feeling he would find out.

“I’ll check up on Pierce, but I don’t know how much more there is to find.” Tony says. They are in the big living room where they usually have movie night and sometimes eat dinner together. Tony is lounging in a chair with a water bottle in his hand, having finally come up from a working binge because Pepper dragged him from the workshop. Clint and Natasha are on the couch, Clint leaning on Nat while she plays with his hair. Bruce is sitting with his laptop at the table, writing something Steve has no idea how to even begin to understand.

He has told them all about Sarah and Bucky. They are his team and he does not keep secrets like that from his team. Not when they impact his life as much as they do.

“Anything you can find Tony. Anything that might help.” Steve says with a small smile. He is grateful for his team. He barely fights with Tony anymore. He spars with Nat and Clint several times a week. He even tries to understand some of what Bruce is working with. He trusts them and they trust him, meaning they work together very well in the field.

He wants them to meet Sarah. He wants Sarah to meet his friends. He’s not sure about Bucky. He does want them to meet him, but it will probably be much easier to introduce them to his mother. He is not sure how Bucky would handle a bigger group of people. He seems somewhat at ease with Steve and Sarah, but more than that might spook him.

Some day he has to talk to the Avengers about it, but not tonight. It’s movie night, so he gets up to make popcorn while the others start discussing what movie to watch. Steve has used the weekly movie nights with the team to get ideas for movies to watch with Sarah and Bucky. He never paid much attention to movies, but apparently everybody else on the team has strong opinions. He has begun making a list of possible movies.

They end up watching Moulin Rouge. Steve is pretty sure Clint has lost some kind of bet to Nat to propose a movie like that, but he ends up enjoying it anyway. He’s not sure Bucky would like it, but he things Sarah would. He puts it on the list.

The next day an army of giant ants attack the city and the Avengers has to assemble. It takes a while for them to fight back the animals and even longer for Iron Man to find the source of the beasts. It turns out to be a disgruntled scientist who wanted revenge for getting fired and when they get him out of the way, the ants just start exploring the city instead of attacking it. They are still big enough to create problems, so the Avengers have to spend the next couple of days gathering the animals and shrinking them again.

Then ants aren’t exactly friendly and Steve ends up with a broken arm and bruises on his hip and leg, but the city is safe again. After a quick debrief and a visit to the medic, Steve hurries to Sarah’s apartment.

For once, Sarah does not hug him. She looks disapprovingly at his bandaged arm and raises an eyebrow. “Where else are you hurt?” She asks.

Steve opens his mouth to say nowhere, but thinks better of it. “Bruises on my leg and hip. But it’s not bad and I heal fast. Most of it will be gone tomorrow.”

Sarah makes a displeased noise. “I swear to God, the two of you are going to be the death of me. No helping for you today. Sit down and rest.”

Steve tries to protest, but Sarah just sends him a look and he shuts up. He is surprised to get small smile from Bucky as he sits down, but it makes him feel a lot better.

They make dinner without him while Sarah tells about the ant-related patients she has had to take care of during the last couple of days. Bucky gets Steve a soda and Steve just watch them work in the kitchen. It feels like home, he realizes. More than his rooms in the tower ever did. More than any place SHEILD set up for him. Here, with a mother he’s only known for a few months and Bucky, who barely speaks, he finally feels at home.

He is not allowed to help clean up after dinner either, so he goes to the living room. Sarah is making tea in the kitchen and Bucky comes in with a book in his hand. He goes to the bookcase and bends over to put it in place. Steve gets so preoccupied with looking at the effortless flexibility and fact that Bucky has his back to Steve, that the Avenger does not notice the coffee table in front of him. He trips over it and falls into the couch. It’s not really a bad fall, but his arm is still broken and slamming it into anything, even a cushion, is not pleasant.

”Fuck!” Steve says loudly.

”Language!” Sarah says, walking in from the kitchen with a tray to give him a stern look. ”Steven Grant Rogers, I may not have raised you, but as long as you are in my home you will act and speak like a gentleman!”

”Yes ma’am.” Steve sits up and looks down at his feet. It only takes a small blond woman with blue eyes to make Captain America crumble. The Avenger has no power, no skills and no grace in this small, damp apartment.

The he hears the sound. It’s small and insecure. He looks up to see Bucky cover his face with a hand, maybe afraid he is not allowed, because he is laughing. It’s the first time Steve has ever heard it, but it makes his heart beat twice as fast and he want to hear it again.

It’s about that time that Steve starts to realize how much trouble he is in.

Steve dreams about much more than the metal arm by now. It’s the only thing he does not tell anyone about. The only secret he keeps. He is not sure what to do with it. So he keeps it to himself.

Instead of dealing with that, he goes through everything Tony has been able to find about Pierce. Mostly, it’s stories about his political career and his many buildings in the area. Steve is not really surprised to learn that Pierce owns the building that Sarah and Bucky live in. Once or twice there are rumors linking him to suspicious deaths that have been very beneficial for his business, but it is never more than whispers. They make Steve worry, but no matter how much he digs, there is nothing more to find.

Sarah has his number, but she does not call him often. There is no need, as they see each other several times a week. So when his phone rings, showing her number, the day after they ate together, he gets worried. It does not help that Bucky has been gone for two weeks by now.

“Steve, dear, I need you to come to my apartment right away. I know you are still at work, but I cannot do this myself.” Her voice is calm, but there is concern behind her words that makes his blood run cold.

“Of course. I’ll come over at once. What happened?” Steve asks, getting up and pulling on his jacket. Natasha sends him a look, but he leaves before she can say anything.

Riding his motorcycle to the apartment building only takes a few minutes, but it still feels like too long. He runs through a hundred different scenarios in his head, each one worse than the one before. None are what he finds in the apartment.

Bucky is back and for a brief instant, Steve is just happy. He missed Bucky. Also, Bucky’s chest is bare, which is something Steve has wanted to see for a while. Then he notices the blood.

It takes a moment for all of it to sink in. Steve has never seen Bucky without a shirt which means Steve didn’t know the metal went as far as his shoulder. He never saw the scars around the metal attachment. That should really be enough for one day. Really. One revelation at the time.

But there is still the blood. From several wounds. Bullet wounds. And a dislocated shoulder. The right one, the human one. Sarah is already cleaning the wounds and putting bandages on them, working efficiently and gently. Bucky hardly moves as she puts antiseptic on a large cut along his ribs. It looks like a knife wound.

“Don’t just stand there gawping Steve. I need you to help me with the shoulder.” Sarah says, only looking at him briefly before going back to the wound. Steve throws his jacket at a chair and hurries over to them.

“That’s… Those are bullet wounds… We should go to a hospital.” He says. Bucky looks at him with dark eyes. “No. No hospital.”

“Buck, you are hurt. You need –“ Steve begins.

“No.” Bucky stand up abruptly and moves to step past Steve. It’s the first time Steve has pushed like this and on any other day Bucky would have left. But the reason Steve is pushing is also the reason Bucky does not leave. He sways and stumbles ahead. Steve steps in front of him and catches him before he falls. He is holding Bucky close to his chest, a little tighter than is absolutely necessary.

“N… No hospital…” Bucky mumbles into Steve’s chest. He is heavier than Steve expected and tilting a little to the left because of the arm.

“Okay… Okay, no hospital… Just…” Steve gently puts Bucky back into the couch. “Just let us help you.”

Bucky doesn’t try to leave again and Steve does not mention the hospital again. Bucky hardly moves when Steve relocates the shoulder and Steve is not really sure if it’s because he is about to pass out or because he does not notice the pain. The military taught Steve enough first aid for him to be helpful and Sarah tells him what to do when he is unsure.

By the time they are done, Bucky is out cold and Steve feels exhausted. Sarah smiles sadly as they lay Bucky a little more comfortable on the couch. She tucks a blanket around him and runs a gentle hand over his hair.

“Is… Is he…?” Steve looks at Bucky’s pale face. None of the wounds seems fatal but he did loose a lot of blood and they have no way to give him more. Sarah nods. “He just needs rest now. He heals fast.”

Steve lets himself fall down in a chair, running a hand over his face. Too late he realizes the smear of blood it leaves. “This… This was bad, right? This is not how it usually is?”

“No.” Sarah sits down next to him, handing him a cup of tea. “This was bad.”

“Does no one help him with this? I mean, whenever one of us gets hurt, there is a medical team waiting…” Steve sighs. Whatever Bucky does, it is dangerous. He should not be doing it alone. He should not be left alone to deal with injuries like this.

“He has us.” Sarah says, running her hand over Bucky’s hair again. Even in his sleep, Bucky leans into the touch.

They drink their tea in silence, watching Bucky sleep. He is far more peaceful like this and Steve’s fingers itch to draw him. He already has a lot of drawings of Bucky, but it is really hard for him to stop by now. He doesn’t want to. He has several drawings of Sarah as well, but they are different.

Steve does not realize he falls asleep before he wakes up again. The apartment is dark and quiet. He is sitting on the chair next to Bucky and there is a knitted blanked over him. Sarah is sitting in her chair, reading.

“Sorry…” He sits up a little. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep like this.”

“Nonsense dear. You were tired.” Sarah says quietly, looking up from her book.

“What time is it?” Steve looks at the window. Even through the drapes he can see that it is dark out.

“A little after midnight.”

“Oh.” Steve looks at her. “You should get some sleep.”

“Someone needs to stay with him. Awake.” She looks at Bucky.

“I will. I’ve had some sleep now.”

She raises a questioning eyebrow. Steve smiles. “It’s fine. I’ll draw. Go sleep.”

She smiles gently, gets up from her chair and kisses Steve on the forehead before bending down to kiss Bucky as well. Then she disappears into her own room.

Smiling, Steve gets up and finds one of his sketchbooks. He has several in her apartment by now, left both on purpose and because he forgot to bring them with him. He sits down in the chair again and starts drawing Bucky. He draws the arm and where it connects to the shoulder, the wounds and the bandages, his relaxed body and tranquil face. He draws the face several times. Then he puts the book down and tries not to think about what it means.

A few hours before dawn, Bucky jolts awake. He is on his feet before Steve even register that he is up.

“Hey Buck, easy.” Steve gets up from the chair. Bucky looks at him with wary eyes, crouched like he is preparing for a fight.

“It’s just me. How do you feel? You were pretty hurt.”

For a moment, Bucky doesn’t move. Then he stands up a little, his hands falling to his side. “’m fine.” He says, not looking at Steve anymore.

Steve takes a step forwards, so he can put a hand on Bucky’s right arm. “Don’t do this. We both know you are lying. Just tell me, please.”

Bucky’s eyes dart to the hand, but he stays very still. Steve almost removes his hand, thinking that it makes Bucky uncomfortable. Then he notices that Bucky is leaning a little towards Steve and realizes that Bucky is still so Steve won’t remove his hand. Bucky’s eyes are have moved to the floor and his body is tense.

“Hey…” Steve moves a little closer. “Hey, it’s okay. Come sit with me. It’s okay Buck.”

Steve helps Bucky down on the couch, sitting next to him and gently putting an arm around him. Bucky is stiff and his breathing is too fast.

“Just breath Bucky. It’s okay. Just breath for me.” Steve says gently, running a hand slowly up and down Bucky’s arm.

Gradually, Bucky relaxes and his breathing slows down. Steve pulls Bucky a little closer and Bucky just follows the movement, leaning on Steve’s side. Even relaxed, Bucky sits very still and Steve tries his best not to move. He doesn’t know what to say or how to convey to Bucky that this is all right and that he is allowed to want human contact, so he just sits with an arm around him. After a moment, Bucky lets his head rest on Steve’s shoulder. Steve can feel the cold metal of Bucky’s shoulder through his clothes, but he ignores it. He wants to stay like this for as long as possible.

Outside the sun is slowly coming up. Steve hears a sound and looks up to see Sarah standing in the bedroom door. She is watching them closely and Steve suddenly realizes how it must look. She is a smart woman. He is pretty sure she could guess his secret. He considers getting up, but that would seem too suspicious. And he really does not want to let go of Bucky.

Sarah goes quietly to the kitchen and after a while the smell of coffee fills the apartment. Bucky opens his eyes and Steve realizes that at some point, he had fallen asleep again.

“How do you feel Buck?” Steve asks again, turning his head to look at Bucky.

Bucky is quiet a moment before answering. “Okay… A little stiff…”

“Can I check your wounds?” Steve asks. Bucky sits very still for a moment, then nods. Steve pulls away from him, careful to do it slowly so it doesn’t seem like he is eager to let go but still fast enough that he doesn’t seem to linger. It’s hard to find the right speed and way to do it and Bucky is looking at him a little funny for a moment before he looks at the floor again. Steve starts with a few of the minor wounds and look under the bandages to see how they are. To his surprise, most of them are gone.

While he is moving on to the more substantial wounds, Sarah enters the room with breakfast. She sits a tray down in front of them and watches Steve work with a critical eye but doesn’t say anything. Steve takes this as meaning he is doing well.

Only a few of Bucky’s wounds need further treatment and Sarah takes over, telling Steve and Bucky to eat something before it gets cold. Bucky eats slowly, like he isn’t really hungry, but doesn’t want to tell Sarah. When she is done with his wounds, he gets up and leaves. Sarah makes him promise to come again the next day so she can be sure he is healing well.

Now that they are alone, Steve cannot bring himself to look at his mother. He takes the tray from breakfast and goes to the kitchen to clean, but he feels her eyes on him, even as he tries to avoid her.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Sarah asks after a moment.

Steve does his best not to look guilty while washing. “Why do you think there is?” He is trying to buy time and they both know it.

“I saw you. Both of you.” She says quietly, moving closer to him.

“That was… He woke pretty suddenly, I was just trying to calm him down…” Steve tries. It feels forced and he is sure Sarah can hear it.

“You know I don’t tolerate lying in my home.” She puts a hand on his shoulder and turns him to face her. “Talk to me Stevie.”

Almost in an impersonation of Bucky, Steve keeps his eyes on the floor. “It’s just… I like him… I wanted to make him feel better…”

“Oh sweetheart…” Sarah puts a hand on either side of his face and forces him to meet her eyes. “I know. And I know you would be so very good for him, but he needs more than just someone to like him. He needs someone who is willing and able to give him the love and support he needs.”

“I… I want to help him so bad…” Steve lets his head rest on Sarah’s shoulder, which is not an easy feat as he is several inches higher than her. Sarah gently puts her hands on his shoulders. “Me too dear. But you have to be sure about this. You have to be ready to give it your all or you might end up hurting him more.”

And Steve knows she is right. He knows that failing Bucky would mean that Steve would loose him. So Steve stays silent and Sarah gently rubs his shoulders.

It’s not harder to be around Bucky now that Steve knows. He still wants to draw him as often as possible and spend time with him and Sarah. He’s just a little more careful with what he says.

It’s the anniversary of Steve finding Sarah and she wants to make it special. Steve doesn’t mind. In fact, he is really glad that she is as happy to have met him, as he is to have met her. But making it special apparently means that Bucky and Steve are not allowed to help in the kitchen, so they watch TV on the couch. Neither of them are really paying attention until a news story about the Avengers comes on. Bucky sits up a little, looking at the footage of Captain America fighting.

“They make it sound a lot worse than it was.” Steve says, feeling a little embarrassed. He has never gotten used to how the media gush over him after a big fight. Bucky says nothing, just follows a punch on screen with his eyes.

“Do you know how to fight?” Steve asks him. He knows that Bucky is dangerous. He knows that he often gets hurt. But he has no idea what his skills are.

Bucky shrugs. It’s not a no, but neither is it affirmation.

“Do you want to try a punch?” Steve asks. Bucky looks surprised, meeting his eyes for just a second. Steve smiles and stands up. “I can take a hit. It’s not everybody who can say they got a chance to hit Captain America.”

It’s probably a bad idea. Steve knows this. Bucky is skittish on his best days and a fight might scare him. It is also bad for Steve to put himself in a situation where he gets closer to Bucky than he has to, but he might learn a little more about Bucky’s skills and what kind of work he does from this. He hopes. It seems like a good excuse.

Bucky gets up and Steve shows him how to stand. The stance comes naturally to Bucky, and Steve is pretty sure he must have some kind of training. He pretends he doesn’t and shows him the basics of hitting. Bucky is a very attentive student. It seems that, more than anything, Bucky wants to do well. He carefully mimics all Steve’s movements.

The first few punches are barely more than a tap. Bucky obviously does not want to hurt Steve.

“Put your weight behind it a little more. Try again.”

So he does. First with his right hand and then the left. The first punch is good, but hardly hurt. The second hits hard enough to bruise because of the metal. Steve lets out a surprised sound and steps back a little.

Bucky freezes completely. His eyes are wide with fear and before Steve can say anything to reassure him, Bucky is on his knees, pulling off his shirt. Steve just stares, the words dying in his throat. He has no idea what to do.

Before he decides, Sarah is there, kneeling on the floor in front of Bucky. “Oh dearie, no one is mad at you. Come back up, come.” She gently puts an arm around him and helps him to his feet. Bucky keeps his eyes firmly on the floor, his bare shoulders tense.

“Steve is not going to hurt you, are you Steve?” Sarah says, looking at Steve, who finally pulls himself together. “No, no of course not. I’d never hurt you Buck. It was a good punch, I just got surprised. You did good.” He rambles, a little too fast. Bucky looks at him carefully for a moment before pulling his shirt back on.

“There you go. I promised, no one will hurt you in here. You are safe with us sweetheart.” Sarah says, before she kisses Bucky’s cheek softly and returns to the kitchen after a prominent look at Steve.

Getting the hint, Steve smiles at Bucky. “That’s enough punching for now, don’t you think? Why don’t we go see if there is anything more fun on TV than old news clips of me?”

Bucky nods slowly and the go back to the couch. By the time Sarah calls them to dinner, the tension has almost left Bucky. The rest of the night is much more fun and by the end of dinner Bucky is smiling again.

The next week goes from bad to worse when HYDRA shows up and the Avengers have to split up to fight them in several places at once. Steve brings Natasha to track the whereabouts of a HYDRA operative called the Winder Soldier. Nat’s heard about him and thinks he could be a real threat. Steve knows to trust whatever Natasha is thinking.

They never get close. They find a few bodies with odd soviet slugs without rifling, but never see head nor tails of the shooter. It’s two weeks of hunting useless leads until they decide to take a break and hope something shows up. Two weeks where Steve has had no time to visit Sarah and Bucky.

When he gets to the apartment, he has to pass the scowling man in the hallway before he can get to Sarah’s apartment. He knocks and goes in without waiting for an answer. He finds both of them in the living room. Sarah is reading and Bucky is sitting in the window, looking out. He has a blanket around his shoulders and he looks tired. When Steve enters, Sarah smiles and put down the book, coming over to hug him. He pulls her in close and buries his face in her hair that somehow has come to smell like home. Here, with them, the stress of dead leads and fighting finally leaves him.

Bucky doesn’t come to greet him, he never really does. It still makes Steve feel a little hurt. Bucky just looks up from the window and tries to smile. It’s stilted and the tiredness never leaves his eyes. Steve sits down on the floor to draw and Sarah continues reading aloud. Bucky doesn’t talk that day and he does not try to smile again. He just looks out the window and Steve wonders if he is even listening to the story. It makes Steve feel sad.

It takes three days before Natasha finally finds something useful. Steve spends as much time as possible with Sarah in those days, but Bucky leaves on the second day. Steve is worried, as always, but carries on like he isn’t.

They finally catch a break and intercept the Winter Soldier just before he shoots a politician. The Winter Soldier is dressed in black tack gear complete with black gloves, a mask covering the bottom of his face and dark face paint around the eyes obscuring his features and he fights like he has no fear of getting hurt. He moves as fast as Steve and avoids Natasha’s bullets with impressive grace. When Steve throws his shield at him, the Winter Soldier catches it with his left hand like it really is nothing more than an oversized Frisbee and throws it back at them.

The fight is short, but only because the Winter Soldier knocks both of them out of the way and jumps off a bridge. The fall is far enough to knock the wind out of even Steve, but the Winter Soldier gets up at once and runs off. They search for him the rest of the day, but find no trace.

There is too much work for Steve to visit Sarah that night, so he calls her.

“Steve, dear. Always so nice to hear your voice. How is work?”

Steve huffs. He knows she worries about both him and Bucky, but he could never lie to her about it. She deserves better than that. “Hard. We got in a fight today. I’m fine, really, just a few bruises that will be gone tomorrow, but… It was the first time we got this close and we were not prepared.”

“I’m sure you will be next time.” She never tells him to be careful. Never tells him to stop and find a safer job. They both know he could never do that. “Remember to treat the bruises so the muscles doesn’t get stiff.”

“I will, I promise. How are you? Did you hear anything from…” He pauses. He wants to know, more than anything, but asking means getting an answer and that could be as bad as not knowing.

“He’s here, with me.” She sounds calm, but her voice is tight like it gets when she is hiding her concern.

“Is… Is he…?”

“Broken leg and a lot of bruises. I put a splinter on and made him eat dinner on the couch.”

“Oh… Okay… I’m glad he’s there… Say hi to him for me, will you?” Steve looks up, as Natasha enters the room. “I have to go now. I’ll call back when I can, okay?”

Steve goes back to work and tries to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of his head that something is wrong. They analyze the footage they got from the fight with the Winter Soldier and work on understanding his fighting style so they can take him down. It seems to take forever. The Winter Soldier is fast and skilled. As good as Steve and Natasha and with no qualms about hurting bystanders to distract them. So they take their time to learn as much as they can.

When next they see the Winter Soldier, they know a little more about what they are dealing with, but the result of the fight is still very much in question. The Winter Soldier looses his guns fighting Natasha, but gets away from her when he throws her through a storefront window. Steve follows him alone, leaving Nat to untangle herself from a bridal mannequin. On any other day, it would have made Steve laugh.

He corners the Winter Soldier in an ally. Both are breathing hard from the run. The soldier is holding a knife in his left hand and Steve has his shield ready. No guns, as far as he knows. He doesn’t try to talk to his enemy. Steve usually does, but since the Winter Soldier has made no verbal response to anything, Steve thinks he might not be able to with the mask. Or maybe he has no interest in talking. So he forges ahead, slamming his shield into the man, forcing him back towards the wall. The Winter Soldier tries to reach him with the knife and Steve has to take a step back. Steve is pretty sure they are evenly matched.

The Winter Soldier wastes no time attacking again and everything becomes a blur of first, the knife and the shield. Steve lands a good hit when he slams the edge of his shield into the Winter Soldiers ribs and the Winter Soldier retaliates by lodging his knife is Steve’s shoulder. Steve responds by backhanding his adversary into the wall behind him, knocking the mask off. He could definitely speak now, if he wanted to, but Steve would not hear him. He can’t hear anything.

“Bucky?”

The face is the same. The hair too, Steve realizes now. But the eyes are not Bucky’s eyes. They are empty and cold and looking straight at Steve. Bucky never looks him in the eye for more than a few seconds and his eyes are soft and careful.

It seems like the moment goes on forever. Steve does not move. The Winter Soldier seems confused by the sudden lack of retaliation from the Avenger. Then Natasha is there, landing a kick to his chest that sends the Winter Soldier into the wall again. Steve is shaken out of his disbelief, but before he can react, the Winter Soldier dashes into him, knocking him out of the way and disappearing into street. Natasha is quick to follow. Steve is only seconds behind, but by then he is already gone and Natasha is mumbling in Russian.

“At least you got a good look at his face.” She finally says, as they start to move back to the tower. “Think you could draw him? Might give Tony something to work with.”

“Yeah… Yeah, sure, let’s do that…” Steve says absentmindedly.

“Steve.” Natasha steps in front of him, almost causing him to walk straight into her. “What’s wrong?”

She knows him too well. He could never lie to her. “I… I’m just tired Nat. I’m tired of not getting anywhere with this. We hardly know more about HYDRA than we did a month ago. We hunt a ghost that keeps slipping away and I’m just… Tired…” It’s the truth. At least part of it. He hopes it’s enough for her to let it go. He should tell her about Bucky, but he can’t help seeing those empty eyes in his head. He needs time to think.

It seems to be enough, at least for now. Natasha nods anyway. “I understand. Maybe it’s about time we took a break. You should go see your mother. It’s been awhile by now, right?”

It’s Steve’s turn to nod and they walk the rest of the way in silence. The debrief is kept short, they really didn’t learn a whole lot of new things and Steve promises that he will try to draw the Winter Soldier as soon as he can. He doesn’t mention the many sketches he has already made of Bucky.

It’s dark outside when he enters the apartment building. Sarah will still be up and he needs to talk to her more than anything. She is the only one he can tell. She knows Bucky.

When he opens the door, Sarah is still up and Bucky is there. He is shirtless and Sarah is treating a long bruise on his ribs, small but made with a lot of force behind it and Steve almost stumbles. Both look up at him, surprised.

“Steve, dear, what’s wrong?” Sarah keeps her gaze on him, but Steve barely sees her. He moves to the couch, where Bucky is. “Where did you get this?” He asks, fingers hovering above the mark, but not touching.

Bucky looks down. “Work.”

“What kind of work?” Steve asks with more force than before. Sarah looks surprised. Bucky just shrugs and keeps his eyes down.

“What kind of work Bucky?” Steve asks, gripping the other man by the shoulders and pulling him to his feet, ignoring Sarah’s startled gasp. “Steve, what on earth are you doing?”

“Where did you get hurt? Was it fighting? Tell me!” Steve all but yells at Bucky, who is cowering in his hands, whimpering. “I don’t know! I don’t remember!”

Steve pauses, realizing for the first time how scared Bucky is. Of him. Whatever else happened, he had promised himself never to hurt Bucky. Steve lets go and Bucky sinks to his knees, hands on his legs and upper body bend forwards, expecting punishment. From Steve.

“Bucky, I…” Steve stops. His words fail him. Sarah’s words, however, do not. “Just what do you think you are doing, Steven Grant Rogers?” She says, her face livid, as she stands between him and Bucky. “How dare you treat him like that? You know better. You damn well know better! I will not let you scare him like that.”

“No, I’m sorry, I - ” Steve tries, but Sarah cut’s him off. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care what made you think you could act like that, I expected better of you.”

“I didn’t meant to – “

“Stop. Talking! You are not welcome here. Leave.” Sarah’s eyes are blue like the sky, but hard as steel. Steve has several inches on her and is much stronger. She has no way to force him to leave. She does not need to.

“I’m sorry.” Steve says, hoping Bucky, still unmoving on his knees on the floor, hears him. He ruined everything, he knows that. He can’t bear the look in his mother’s eyes, so he turns and leaves quietly. It only takes a small blonde woman with sky-blue eyes to defeat Captain America.


	3. The Lovers

Target located. Hold.

\--

\--

\--

Adjust for wind.

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Fire.

Target down. Return to base.

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\--

\--

He wakes up screaming.

It takes a while for the world to come back. He is on the floor of his apartment. There is no blood this time. Not his own, not anyone else’s. He feels cold and aching. Moving the left arm is more painful than normally.

Steve doesn’t come around anymore. He hasn’t been to see Sarah since the day she yelled at him to leave Bucky alone. It makes visiting her different. Not like before they knew Steve. It feels like something is missing. He doesn’t mention it, doesn’t ask. Questions get punished.

He remembers Steve putting an arm around him, the morning after he dislocated his shoulder. The firm, warm presence of his body against Bucky’s own. It had felt good. Different from when Sarah holds him.

He remembers Steve yelling at him, angry. He was asking about the job. About what Bucky does. He can’t remember. He never remembers.

“James.”

Pierce calls him James. Rumlow calls him James. Steve calls him Bucky. He likes that. Sarah calls him many things, dear, sweetheart. He likes that too.

“рассвет.”

His mind goes still. Everything is white noise.

He wakes up screaming. This time there is blood on the floor.

He doesn’t move until there is a knock on the door. He knew it would come, even before he heard her steps outside. She always knocks.

There is too much blood this time. He should hide some of it but he has to answer the door. He is supposed to always answer the door. Not answering means punishment.

He can’t look at her, when he opens. He just stares at her feet, but he still hears her sharp intake of breath and the soft tone in her voice. “Oh sweetheart… Will you come to my apartment? Please?”

He just follows her. She has seen blood before, his blood mostly. She never questions him. He is glad. He has no answers.

She doesn’t comment on the fact that there are more blood than could have come from his wounds, she just helps him get cleaned up and tends his injuries. It’s nice. Her hands are gentle and patient. Afterwards, she sits him on the couch, gives him a cup of hot chocolate and puts a documentary on animal children on. It’s nice. He likes this. At some point he falls asleep, but that’s okay. Sarah never gets mad at him. Sleeping on her couch is allowed. It feels safe. He has fewer nightmares when she is there.

“Семнадцать.”

\--

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Target acquired.

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\--

Enemies approaching. Defense required.

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Fight.

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Female neutralized.

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\--

_“Bucky!”_

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The male is a threat.

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_“BUCKY!!”_

Who…

\--

Abort.

Return to base.

\--

\--

“You have failed me солдат. I am severely disappointed in you.”

The first hit burns on his skin, but he doesn’t move. Moving just makes it worse. The next one draws blood. Sarah will be sad when she sees him. He hates making her sad, even more after Steve stopped coming by.

He counts the hits aloud, like he is supposed to. 24… 25… 26… They are mad. He failed them. He can’t remember why or how, but he knows he did.

34… 35… 36…

It hurts. They don’t talk any more. He is scared Sarah will knock while they are there. They would hurt her too. He needs to keep her safe. She is important.

48… 49…

They stop. There is a quiet shuffling behind him, then a door opens. “He’s all yours Rumlow.”

The door closes. This part is worse, but he stays still. Rumlow pulls him to his feet, careless of the wounds on his back. He is forced over to the table. There are hands on his skin, his clothes torn off, forcing him to bend over, holding him down. He wishes they would say the words, but they don’t. They want him to remember.

It hurts, but not as much as the beating. It’s still worse.

She knocks a few hours later. There is no blood this time, he got cleaned up and threw out the ripped clothes. He does not want her to see him. She will know when she sees him and she will be sad. But he is always supposed to open the door.

Today she doesn’t even ask. She just puts a gentle hand on his cheek and he follows her to her apartment. He likes it when she touches him. It’s so different from the way they touch him. It’s so soft and gentle.

They don’t speak as she cleans his wounds and the apartment is quiet, until the door bursts open and Steve storms in. He looks nervous but certain. “This can’t go on, we have to –“ He stops abruptly when he sees them. “Oh fuck, Bucky. What happened?”

“Language.” Sarah says sternly. She looks at him for a moment, then decides something. “Close the door behind you and help me Steve. We’ll talk after.”

Steve only pauses for a moment, then he moves to the couch and helps clean the wounds. He seems angry and Bucky cringes away from him at first, but even if his hands are a bit hesitant, they are no less gentle than Sarah’s.

“I’m sorry Bucky.” Steve says, his voice quiet. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m not mad at you. I’m just… You have to let me help you. You have to!”

He doesn’t know what to say. Steve is sitting so close. It makes him feel strange.

“We have to talk about your work.” Steve says. He sounds almost pleading.

“You can’t force him to tell you anything.” Sarah says sternly.

“I don’t have to.” Now he sounds sad. “I know. I saw him.” He looks from Sarah to Bucky. Bucky can’t meet his eyes. Eye contact gets punished, but that’s not why. “I saw you Bucky. I fought you. The man with the shield, Captain America, do you remember?”

_“Bucky!”_

An echo in his head, but its very far away. Bucky shakes his head, keeping his eyes on the floor. Steve will be mad at him again now. Maybe Steve will keep him from seeing Sarah. They are family. They should see each other.

“It’s okay…” There is a hand on his cheek. Steve’s. It feels good. He wants Steve to touch him more, but he stays very still. He is not supposed to get what he wants. “I think I understand. You didn’t know me when we fought. You weren’t… You…”

“So it might not have been him. Maybe it was someone else who looked like James.” Sarah tries. She sounds worried too. Steve removes his hand and the exposed skin feels cold.

“It was him. When you called… The day when Bucky broke his leg… This man, we call him the Winter Soldier, he jumped off a bridge. It would be enough to break his leg. And… Last time I was here, there was a mark…” Steve hesitates, licking his lips. “There was a mark on his ribs that I made with my shield.”

Sarah makes a small sound. The sound is sad and surprised. He knows it’s because of him. He did something wrong. He wants to make it better, but he has no idea how. Seeing his back makes her sad too.

“You have to tell me who is doing this to you Buck, who makes you do this. I can help you.” Steve is pleading again. He is just in front of Bucky.

“Can’t.” Bucky shakes his head. Don’t tell. Don’t ever tell.

“Please. I _can_ help you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Just tell me – “

“No!” Bucky pulls away from them. Steve’s voice is so soft, so kind, but there is a buzzing in his ears that’s making it hard to make out. There is a white edge in his mind. He pulls his knees up to his chest, ignoring the painful stretch of his injured back and the movement of the arm, and tries to keep it away.

“Dear, we know you don’t want to talk about it, but if this is true… If someone is making you do something you don’t want… Something you don’t even know you are doing… You have to let us help…” Sarah steps closer, reaching out to him. Bucky pulls away, arms wrapped around his knees as he shakes his head violently.

“Why can’t you tell us?” Steve keeps his distance. It helps a little. The buzzing is not as loud anymore.

“Dangerous.”

“I can protect you. I promise. I can protect all of us.” Steve says firmly. It’s a nice promise. Bucky knows it’s not enough.

“Not from me…” It’s just a whisper. He doesn’t think Sarah hears it, but the way Steve suddenly stays very still tells Bucky that he did. That he understands. It’s a relief, but it also makes him feel very scared. What if Steve won’t let him see Sarah any more?

“Okay…” Steve sits down on the couch, still keeping his distance. “Okay. We’ll find a solution to that. You don’t want to hurt us Buck, I know you. You would never hurt me or Sarah if you had a choice.”

He wouldn’t. He would never hurt them. He never wanted to hurt anyone. He wants to spend time with Sarah and Steve, he wants to watch movies and cook and read and listen to them talk. He doesn’t want the white noise or the pain or blood or waking up screaming. But he is not supposed to get what he wants and the buzzing gets louder. He hides his face in his arms.

“Bucky, I – “ Then Steve freezes again. Bucky hears them a second later, the buzzing still making sounds harder for him to catch. He knows those steps.

Bucky scrambles to his feet just as there is a knock on the door. Steve and Sarah are staring at the door. They seem as apprehensive as him, even though they have no idea who is on the other side. No one moves to open and there is another knock, louder this time. Bucky’s hand twitches. He is always supposed to open the door. Always. Especially when they knock.

They don’t knock a third time. They don’t need to, they have a key. So they just open the door and step in. Rumlow is scowling at Steve, but he smiles when he sees Bucky. Bucky knows that smile. He whimpers and takes a step back. Steve steps in front of him, but not enough to hide Pierce, who is walking behind Rumlow. He seems bored, if a little annoyed.

“There you are James. I must say, I did not expect you to disappoint me twice in one day. You know I hate when I have to look for you.” He says calmly. Bucky bends his head, hunching his shoulders and moves to go over to them. Steve puts a hand on his chest, efficiently stopping him without ever looking away from Rumlow and Pierce.

“Why are you here?” He asks. His voice is so full of command; so different from the way he usually talks. “What do you want with Bucky?”

“Bucky?” Rumlow almost purrs. His smile is so wide that his teeth are visible, like a predator. He is looking past Steve, to Bucky. “You like pet-names, Bucky-bear? You should have told me. There are so many things I could call you.”

Pierce makes a dismissive gesture and Rumlow stops talking, but his eyes stay on Bucky. “I don’t really have time for this. While I am glad you have found the famous Captain America alone and without weapons you have added an unnecessary casualty to the fight.”

“No… Please sir, I… Please…” Bucky is trembling. He tries to step forward again, but Steve is still holding him back.

“солдат. Ржавый.”

His mind goes still. Everything is white noise.

“The man and woman. Eliminate them.”

The man is in front, the woman to the right. The woman is small and frail. Civilian. No threat. The man is strong and broad. Trained. A threat. Priority.

Engage.

\--

\--

\--

The man is a skilled opponent. Change tactics.

\--

\--

_“Bucky, stop!”_

\--

\--

The woman interferes. Stop both.

\--

\--

Metal for the man, human for the woman. The wall is sturdy. Increase pressure to crush windpipe.

_“Bucky… Please…”_

_\--_

Hands on his wrists. Soft and delicate.

_“It’s okay sweetheart… No one is mad at you…”_

Why does that matter?

\--

Increase pressure. Comply.

_“Bucky!”_

Comply.

Comply.

Why.

The arm is malfunctioning.

\--

\--

_“I love you dear… Be safe…”_

\--

Sarah?

Letting go is almost as hard as holding on. It takes everything in him to tear his fingers away from their throats. The effort makes him stumble and fall to his knees, torn between a fear of moving and a strong desire to bare his back and await punishment. Steve is gasping and Sarah has to lean on the wall now that Bucky’s hand is no longer holding her up. There will be marks on her neck from his hand. He deserves punishment.

“What are you doing солдат? Get up!” The voice sends flashes of white through his mind. It’s hard to focus, to think. He needs to obey. He is supposed to obey. But getting up means hurting Sarah and Steve. Bucky curls in on himself, trying to shut the voice out.

“солдат! Возвращение на родину! Get up! Eliminate them!”

“Don’t listen to him dear.” There are soft hands on his shoulders, gentle arms around him. A woman’s voice, chasing a little of the white noise away.

“солдат!”

“Shut up!” Someone else is yelling too. Steve. Bucky can hear him move, hear how he slams into Rumlow.

“солдат!!” There is an edge of panic to the voice now. Then Pierce turns and starts running. Steve takes on after him. Bucky should help him, get up and do something, but he can’t move. He is shaking. If the arms around him let go, he will fall apart.

“It’s okay sweetheart, you are safe now. They can’t hurt you anymore. You are safe. No one is mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You are safe.” The voice belongs to Sarah. She is holding him, even after he attacked her. He knows he did, even if he has problems remembering it clearly. He wants her to be right. He is not allows to want anything.

Sarah’s voice is broken into a half scream and suddenly the arms are torn from around Bucky.

“Think the old lady can save you, you malfunctioning piece of shit? We’ll get you working again when she is out of the way.”

Sarah is screaming again. Bucky forces his eyes open. Rumlow is holding her by the hair like he likes and has pulled a knife. He is going to hurt Sarah.

Suddenly everything is white again, but the noise is different.

_“I love you dear… Be safe…”_

Bucky is on his feet and grabbing Rumlow’s hands before he even realizes it. Sarah is somewhere behind her, he can hear her breathing ragged and scared, but she is unhurt. She is safe.

There is a crushing sound when Bucky breaks Rumlow’s writs and he drops the knife. There is a scream when Bucky slams him to the floor, but it cuts off when he places his knee on Rumlow’s chest, forcing the air from his lungs. Rumlow is struggling against his grip, but Bucky is stronger than him, better than him. Placing most of his weight on Rumlow’s chest prevents the man from getting any air and his struggle grows desperate before it becomes sluggish and finally stops. Bucky doesn’t move until someone puts a hand on his shoulder.

“That’s enough dear. He’s not a threat any more.”

It takes a moment for the words to register. Sarah. Sarah doesn’t want him to kill Rumlow, even though he tried to kill her.

It’s an effort to get up and he collapses on the floor next to Rumlow before he is even halfway. The white is gone and everything is chaos in his mind. He is shaking again. He feels scared and confused and small and hurt and broken and alone. He pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around himself, hiding his face.

“Oh James, dear, it’s okay. It’ okay, you did what you had to. You saved me.” Sarah’s voice is gentle. Bucky lets her put his head in her lap, running her fingers through is hair. She is humming softly and it helps. He has stopped shaking when Steve comes back, dragging an unconscious Pierce behind him.

Steve leaves Pierce on the floor next to Rumlow and kneels down in front of Sarah. He is quiet for a moment, before he puts a careful hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Hey Buck. How are you feeling?”

“’m sorry…” Bucky whispers. He saw the color blooming on Sarah’s neck. He deserves to be punished.

“No, that’s… Look at me Bucky.” Steve’s voice is firm, a hit of the commanding voice from before. Bucky obeys. “You didn’t do this. You did nothing wrong. They made you do this. They hurt you and forced you to hurt people. It’s their fault, not yours.”

Steve’s eyes are so blue. Bucky knows he should look away, he is not supposed to make eye contact, but it feels impossible. Steve is smiling at him. How can he smile when Bucky just attacked him? How can he say it wasn’t his fault? He can feel himself starting to shake again.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay Bucky. Come here.” Steve reaches out to him and pulls Bucky into his arms, holding him so tight that Bucky can feel his heartbeat. It’s calm and steady even after everything.

At first, Bucky doesn’t understand what is happening, why it is suddenly harder to breathe and he has to blink to clear his vision. He can hear his own hitching breath and suddenly recognizes the sound from the movies they have watched. It’s the sound of someone crying.

He could never do this with Sarah. She is kind and sweet and being with her makes him feel calm, but she is not strong enough to carry his burdens. He could never do that to her. But Steve is strong and firm and solid, and Bucky can’t stop himself. He knows he should. This is weakness and weakness must be met with swift punishment. He just hopes that Steve will let him cry first. Then he can go back to fighting he thinks. If he just gets to cry this once.

Steve lets him cry. He just holds him and lets him cry. Even when other people show up and Sarah goes to talk to them, even when the police show up to take Rumlow and Pierce away, Steve just holds him.

It helps. When the tears finally dry out there is less chaos in his mind, but he still clings to Steve. He feels tired and empty, but it’s better than before. Maybe he would still fall apart if Steve were to let go, but he might be able to pull himself together. He is not sure he wants to try.

The police are gone, so are Pierce and Rumlow. There is a redheaded woman and a man with sandy hair talking to Sarah. Their voices are low and it is too hard to hear their words. He feels tired. Maybe he could sleep like this, in Steve’s arms. He would like that. He is not allows to want things.

“Hey Buck? Think you can get up for me?”

It’s a reflex when he grabs Steve’s arm and holds on a little too tight. He is scared again. Scared of what they will do to him, where they will send him now. Scared that Steve and Sarah will leave.

“It’s okay. I’m not leaving you, I promise.” Is Steve… smiling? It sounds like that and Bucky has to open his eyes to make sure. Steve’s face is so close, with all too blue eyes and a soft smile. “We are just going to go somewhere else, somewhere you can actually sleep. I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay here. I know a place where we will be safe.”

Steve isn’t leaving. Bucky is not sure where Steve wants them to go, but if they stay with him, it’s okay.

Steve has to help him get up and even then Bucky has to lean on Steve to stay that way. It’s the first time he sees the apartment since Pierce arrived. It’s a mess. The coffee table has been overturned, the bookcase has been knocked over and the TV is broken. Did he slam Steve into it? He seems to remember something like that.

Bucky lets Steve lead him to the kitchen, where Sarah is with the two strangers. She smiles at him and takes his hand.

“Bucky, these are my friends Natasha and Clint. We are going to go with them to Avengers Tower. You can stay with us until we figure something more permanent out.” Steve says. His friends smile. They seem nice, but he is too tired to focus. It’s okay as long as Steve is holding him up, he can stay like this for however long Steve needs him to.

Turns out he doesn’t need to stay like that for very long. Sarah has packed a bag for herself and one for him. He is not sure how she got into his apartment, but it’s hard to care. She found a new hoodie for him and she help him put it on carefully. Steve puts an arm around him and guides him out of the building, into a waiting car. He leans on Steve in the car and Sarah takes his hand.

He has no idea how long the drive is. He is half asleep by the time the car stops and Steve leads him to an elevator. The walk through a big area with a lot of steel and light, but he pays no attention to it. Steve knows where to go.

Door open and close around him. Then it’s dark and Steve helps him down on a soft bed. Sarah takes off his shirt and shoes before gently pushing him down until he is on his stomach on the bed. She sits down on the bed next to him and runs her fingers through his hair.

“You are safe now sweetheart. Someone will be here when you wake up. Just sleep.” Her voice is kind. A door opens and close somewhere, but her hand never leaves his hair. She is humming softly, but the sound is far away and the darkness around him is so very soft.

_“Bucky… Please…”_

_… Tighten the hand around the neck to crush the windpipe…_

“Bucky.”

_... Blue and black marks on the skin…_

_“Bucky, stop!”_

_… metal for the man, flesh for the woman…_

“Bucky.”

_“The man and the woman. Eliminate them.”_

“BUCKY!!”

He wakes up screaming.

Someone grabs his shoulders, holding him lightly.

“Bucky, it was just a dream. It’s okay, you are safe now. You are safe.”

It takes a moment for him to recognize Steve’s voice and the tension in his body fades away, making him slump into Steve. Steve just puts his arms around Bucky and rubs his back carefully. “I’m here. No one is going to hurt you again, I promise. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just breathe for me, okay? Just breathe.”

He does. Slowly, in and out in time with the hand on his back.

“We are going to take care of you now Buck. Me and Sarah. We are going to help you. I know you must be so scared and confused, but you are not alone. We are going to stay with you.” Steve’s voice is nice. Deep and calm, it settles something in his bones and makes it easier to forget the dream.

“I’m sorry I didn’t do anything before. I should have done something the first time I saw you hurt. I should never have let it get this far. I’m so sorry Bucky.” Steve’s voice is quieter now. Bucky is not really sure why Steve is sorry, he was not the one who hurt Sarah. Steve didn’t do anything bad, he tried to stop Bucky. But Bucky likes it when Steve talks. And he will listen to anything Steve wants to say, if they can stay like this.

He thinks working for Steve will be different. People agree that Captain America is a hero. That he does good things. It might be easier to handle the white noise if Steve will hold him sometimes. He can do that. He can endure the memory loss and the white noise if Steve will hold him like this. But there is a problem. He needs to tell Steve. He is not allowed to lie or keep secrets from his handler.

“Steve…” His voice is rough and insecure. “I… I don’t know… The words… I don’t remember…”

“What words Buck?” Steve’s hand stops moving and Bucky bites his lip.

“The… The control words… For… For when I work… I don’t…” He wants to be good. He wants to obey Steve, but the words are always followed by white noise and forgetting.

“Oh no, Bucky…” Steve’s voice is sad and he moves his hand from Bucky’s back to his chin, so he can turn his head and Bucky has to meet his eyes. “No one is going to do that to you again. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want anymore. No one is going to use the words.” Steve softly lets his thumb run over Bucky’s cheek and Bucky almost cries again. He wants Steve to be right, more than anything, but he knows he is not allowed to want anything. Especially not this.

“No one is going to hurt you again Bucky.” Steve promises and pulls Bucky close. Bucky grabs his shirt and clings to him again. Sitting like this, he can almost believe Steve.

Somewhere Bucky thinks that Captain America must be a busy man and not have time to sit like this, but Steve makes no move to leave and Bucky is grateful.

They sit like that until there is a knock on the door and Bucky feels his body go rigid. Steve squeezes his shoulders gently. “It’s just Sarah.” He says softly, before raising his voice a little. “Come in.”

The door opens slowly, like whoever is on the other side is afraid to spook them and Sarah comes in with a scarf around her neck and a tray of food. She smiles as she walks to the bed. “Look who’s finally awake. How do you feel sweet boy?”

Bucky sits up a little. It’s hard to untangle himself from Steve, but he knows he can’t cling to him forever. He has already been allowed more than he should.

“I…” Sarah doesn’t like it when he tries to hide things from her. He doesn’t want to hurt her more than he has already. “Better… My back is stiff, but I… I think I’m okay…”

“I’m glad. When you have eaten your breakfast, I’ll take a look at your back, make sure it’s healing.” She says with a soft smile and sets the tray on the bed in front of them. There is more food than he usually has for dinner when he is alone. He only eats like this when Sarah cooks for him.

Sarah sits down next to him, so he is between her and Steve while he eats. She touches his shoulder gently, the one that doesn’t hurt. They seem closer now. They touch him more. He likes that, but he knows it will end soon. It feels like they are in some kind of limbo for now, a place where it’ okay to want something and actually feel a bit like a person. Like he belongs somewhere and someone cares. But he knows it must end soon. He is not allowed to want things. He is not a person. He is a tool.

Before it ends, before everything becomes painful and cold again, he might be allowed to want a little. He leans slightly into Sarah, very carefully and ready to move away if she does anything to indicate he made a mistake. She just smiles softly and puts an arm around his shoulders.

The rest of the day pass in limbo. Sarah checks his back and confirms that it’s mostly healed by now. Then she tells him to take a shower and leaves his bag with clean clothes for him when he is done. The bedroom is connected to a nice bathroom and the water stays warm for the entire shower. He stays in there for a little longer than is necessary. He thinks it is okay to do in limbo.

When he is dressed, he leaves the bedroom to find a spacious living room. It seems odd that Steve would spend so much time in Sarah’s moldy apartment when he has so much space to himself. Sarah and Steve are there, talking to the other two. He met them yesterday, but it takes a moment for him to remember their names. The woman is Natasha. The redhead. She is leaning on the sofa while listening to Steve. The man next to Sarah is Clint. They are friends of Steve’s. Clint smiles at Bucky when he approaches, but Natasha just watches him like she is considering how best to take him out. It makes him feel a little better.

Bucky sits down next to Sarah and tries to follow the conversation. Steve is telling them about the Winter Soldier and Rumlow and Pierce. About what happened. Bucky doesn’t remember all of it, but he knows he attacked Steve and fought him because Pierce told him to. Sarah tried to stop him and he tried to choke both of them. He ducks his head a little and regrets going out there, but then Sarah takes his hand and pats it gently. She is not mad. No one is mad at him.

Natasha tells them that someone called Tony is helping the police investigate Pierce and Rumlow. They have enough to accuse both of them for severe abuse. There are apparently traces of Bucky’s blood on the belt Pierce wears, the one with the metal lining. But she thinks they can get him for murder and coercion. Maybe more, when they are done with the investigation.

No one asks anything of him. No one asks him to explain himself or remember or even talk. They just let him sit there, listening. Sarah holds his hand and Steve smiles at him whenever he gets the chance.

It’s still too much. After a while the words stop making sense and everything becomes too loud. It’s not the white noise, but it still makes it hard to focus. He doesn’t register that Sarah has let go of his hand and left the couch before she sits down in front of him and hands him a book. Jurassic Park. He borrowed it from her recently, after they watched the movie and he really liked it.

“Why don’t you go read in the bedroom for a while? I’ll come get you for dinner.” She says with a soft smile. Her eyes are as blue as her sons. Bucky likes blue eyes.

He nods and gets up from the couch slowly. He thinks Steve is watching him, but Sarah gives him a gentle push towards the bedroom and he goes. Closing the door helps. Being alone in the quiet helps. Lying on the bed helps. He falls asleep before he even opens the book.

When he wakes up, Sarah is petting his hair and humming softly. When he turns to look at her, she smiles. “Hey there.”

“Is… Is it dinnertime?” Bucky asks slowly, sitting up when she takes her hand away. For a second he is afraid. He is not supposed to ask. But Sarah just smiles, so maybe he can ask in limbo.

“We didn’t want to wake you. You food is in the fridge, I can heat it up for you when you are ready.” She says kindly. “Are you hungry?”

Bucky nods and Sarah leads him to the kitchen. It’s bigger than Sarah’s entire apartment, but it seems impersonal. Maybe Steve doesn’t use it much.

“Where is Steve?” He asks while Sarah gets the food and turns on the oven.

“I made him go to bed. He needs to sleep too. I promised him I would be there when you woke up. He told me how to use the TV, so we can watch a movie while you eat if you want.”

It’s still limbo, bit it’s nice.

The following days are all in limbo as well. Steve spends a lot of time helping Tony, whom Bucky has only met briefly, with the case against Pierce and Rumlow. Bucky and Sarah stay in Steve’s apartment. It’s big enough. Bucky sleeps a lot, but every time he wakes up, there is someone with him. Mostly Sarah, but sometimes Steve. He has nightmares often, but no ones seem to mind.

It’s nice, but limbo can’t last forever.

“Steve…” Bucky goes into the living room. Steve is on the couch, drawing Sarah, who is sitting in a chair reading. They both look at him. “How long does this last?”

“How long does what last Bucky?” Steve asks, putting the sketchbook and pencil down.

“This. Being here. Not being…” Alone, in pain, scared. Feeling like a person with someone who cares. Bucky looks down. He has no idea how to tell them. He has no words.

“Do you want to leave?” Steve asks carefully. Bucky shakes his head firmly, bending his head and closing his eyes. He asked. They might get mad, they might send him away.

He can hear Steve get up, but Bucky keeps his eyes closed. He is suddenly very afraid. Then he feels Steve’s arms around him. “It doesn’t end unless you want it to.” Steve says gently. “You can stay here for as long as you like.”

Bucky hides his face in the crook of Steve’s neck. He likes it when Steve touches him. It’s different from when Sarah touches him. Sarah’s touch is kind and gentle and makes him feel calm and welcome. Steve’s touch feels like a fire underneath his skin, like protection and wanting something he can’t quite understand yet. Maybe if Steve would hold him more, Bucky could figure it out.

But Steve still has to deal with the trial and he has to be away a lot for that. Sarah starts going to work again. Most of their things have been moved to Steve’s apartment. Pierce owns their old apartments and none of them wants to go back to that. Bucky stays in, watching TV, reading and sleeping. He stays in, because he does not want to leave. No one tells him what to do or makes him do anything he doesn’t want.

Slowly, limbo becomes normal.

Natasha comes to visit sometimes. Clint too. Bucky likes them. He meets Bruce and Tony. Bruce is quiet and patient, but Tony is energetic and often a little too much. Bucky prefers that Steve be there when Tony visits.

When Tony offers to take a look at the arm, Bucky wants to say no, the arm means pain and drugs and terrible noises and blood, but Steve thinks it’s a good idea, so Bucky agrees. That why he finds himself in a lab with Tony and Steve and no shirt. Steve takes his hand when Tony starts working and that helps. The engineer talks non-stop, but Bucky only hears a fraction of it. He just focuses on Steve’s hand. He keeps very still. He is preparing for the pain. Then Tony does something and Bucky jerks away from him, biting his tongue to keep from making a sound. Steve puts an arm around him and talks soothingly to him until Bucky’s heart stops beating so fast.

Then Tony does something else and Bucky suddenly feels dizzy with relief. The arm stops hurting. It has been hurting for as long as he can remember and he lets out a small sound of relief and collapse against Steve. Steve hums gently and Bucky feels something soft press against his forehead. It can’t be Steve’s hands, they are holding Bucky. Tony is busy with the arm. Bucky thinks it’s Steve’s lips. He wants it to be.

He is not completely aware before Steve pulls him to his feet. The arm moves as always, but the pain is gone. Tony is talking about nerve endings and bad connections, but it’s mostly noise to him. He is glad when Steve leads him to the elevator and back to the apartment.

Steve takes him to the bedroom and helps him down on the bed, but when Steve moves to leave, Bucky grabs his shirt.

“Stay.” It’s hard to ask for something. To let Steve know there is something he wants. He is not supposed to want anything and he is still a little afraid that Steve will be mad and punish him. But he is tired and still a little dizzy and he wants Steve to stay. They rarely let him wake up alone.

“Okay.” Steve smiles. It’s warm and bright like the sun. “Okay, move over a bit.” Steve lies down next to him, putting his arms around Bucky again. “How is this?”

Bucky feels even more dizzy now, but it’s nice. He sighs quietly and rests his head on Steve’s chest. It feels right. He feels safe.

He wakes up on his own, with no memory of anything but pleasant dreams. Steve’s arms are still around him, holding him tight. Their faces are very close. Steve makes a soft, sleepy noise, but doesn’t wake up. Bucky stays very still, watching him. He likes watching Steve. It makes him feel a little of the warmth he feels when Steve touches him.

Steve opens his eyes a little later, smiling slowly and still not fully awake. “Hey Buck. You’re so pretty.” He mumbles, leaning in. They are so close that Steve hardly has to move to press his lips to Bucky’s. Fire and lightning fill Bucky’s mind and body and he realizes that this is what he wants. He wants Steve.

And then Steve pulls away abruptly, looking horrified. “Oh no, Bucky, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I though I was still dreaming, I didn’t meant to…” He rambles, then collects himself a little. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I’m still your friend, okay? Nothing’s changed.”

Bucky looks away. He can’t face those blue eyes right now. He is not supposed to ask, but he has to. His voice seems very small. “So you won’t… Kiss me again?”

Steve puts a gentle hand on his cheek, turning his head so Bucky has to look at him. “Do you want me to?”

He is not supposed to want things. He is not allowed. Asking for anything is hard to do and this is worse. He does not have the words to express what he feels. But he can nod. It’s hesitant and small, little more than bending the neck, but he hopes it is enough. He hopes Steve will understand.

“Can you tell me why?” Steve’s voice is gentle and soft.

“Feels like fire… Feels safe… I… I know I’m not supposed to want anything, but I…” He bites his lip and falters.

“You can want anything you like Bucky.” Steve says gently, running his thumb over Bucky’s cheekbone. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

“Yes… Please…” He’s not sure he even makes a sound. Maybe he does and Steve’s enhanced hearing can pick it up. Maybe he doesn’t need to, because Steve moves forwards again, kissing him softly and a faint, pleading noise escapes Bucky. It’s not lightning this time. There is fire, but it’s not a firestorm like before, it’s a deeper warmth that bleeds into his bones makes him feel that no matter what happens, he can handle it if Steve is there.

He grabs Steve’s shirt and pulls him closer, not sure why, just knowing that he needs to be with Steve, needs him as close as humanly possible. Steve is still holding him and his arms tighten around Bucky for a moment, before letting him go and pulling a little away.

“Easy.” Steve is smiling. It seems like limbo, but limbo is normal now and Steve is not mad at him for wanting something, even if he pulled away. “We’re going to take it slow, okay? If you want this, you can have it, I promise. But you have been through a lot and I need to be sure that you really want this and not just think you have to because I do. I don’t want to hurt you. I need you to be safe, before anything else. Do you understand?”

Bucky is not supposed to lie. He is not sure he understands what Steve means. He is not sure he understands what he feels or why he needs to be close to Steve. He bites his lip and looks down again. It doesn’t make Steve mad when he does it. Sometimes it’s easier.

“Nothing more has to happen right now. Think about it, okay? Talk to me or Sarah if you want.” Steve says gently, giving his shoulder a slight squeeze. “Do you want to go get breakfast or stay here a little?”

“Stay… Please…” Bucky puts his head on Steve’s arm, closing his eyes. Steve said he could have this. No one gets mad and there is no punishment. There has been no punishment in limbo at all. He is still not sure it won’t stop at some point, but he is here now and he is allowed to be here, safe in Steve’s arms.

They stay in bed until Sarah knocks on the door and tells them breakfast is ready. Steve does not hurry from the bed, letting Bucky untangle himself at his own pace before finding some clean clothes and changing in the bathroom.

Sarah kisses Bucky’s cheek when he comes into the kitchen. Her kiss feels different from Steve’s too. He likes it when she holds him, but he does not feel the same need to be as close to her as possible. He tries to understand that while he eats and does not say anything. Steve gives his shoulder a squeeze before he has to leave. There is still a lot to deal with for him. So far, he has not asked Bucky to take part in any of it and Bucky is grateful.

When he is gone, Bucky helps Sarah clean up.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks after a while.

“I… Am I allowed to want something?” Bucky says quietly. Steve said so, said he could talk to Sarah about it.

“I’d say that depends on what you want dear. But mostly yes.” She says calmly, putting the cups away and turning to him. “Is there something you want?”

Bucky looks down at his hands. “I… I think so…”

“Come with me.” She takes his hand and leads him to the couch, where they sit down. “Tell me what it is?”

Bucky wets his lips and tries to find a way to express what he feels. His eyes dart between the door to the bedroom and the door Steve left by, then back to the floor.

Sarah takes his human hand gently. “Is it Steve?” She asks. Bucky nods without looking at her. Sarah is quiet for a moment. “What do you want with him?”

“I…” _I don’t know._ Sarah does not like it when he lies. He wants to tell her the truth. “I want him to… To be here… I want him to hold me, I… I want…” He stops, feeling himself blush. Maybe he does not want to tell her the entire truth.

He can hear the smile in her voice. “Are you in love with him?”

“I… I don’t know.” This time, it is the truth. He doesn’t know what love feels like. He just wants to be near Steve.

Sarah puts an arm around him and kisses his forehead. “It’s okay dear. Love can be very confusing. But love is something you are very much allowed to want.”

She holds him for a while but asks no more questions. He is glad. He does not know what else to say. Then she gets up, makes tea for them and finds romantic comedies for them to watch the rest of the day. They all prove that love is, indeed, confusing. But they also help.

Steve doesn’t get back until the next day. Sarah sits with Bucky while he sleeps and while his dreams are not really pleasant, they are not full-blown nightmares. When he does get back, Sarah has gone shopping for dinner and Bucky is watching another comedy on TV. Steve sits down next to him.

“Hey. How are you feeling?” Steve asks.

Bucky looks at him briefly, then down. “I’m good… I… I was thinking…” He pauses for too long, trying to find a way to express his want. To allow himself to want something.

“Yes?” Steve prompts gently.

Slowly, Bucky reaches out and takes his hand. “I… I want this… But… Slowly, like you said? Can… Can we…?” He bites his lip, tasting blood. If there is to be a punishment for wanting something, it must come now. He would never have asked anything before.

Steve just smiles and holds his hand firmly. “Of course. As slow as you want Buck.”

They are still holding hands when Sarah returns. She says nothing when she sees them, just starts making dinner. While they eat, she tells them that she will be having dinner with some friends from work the next day and they will have to make something themselves. Steve promises to make sure they both eat. There is something new in her eyes when she smiles at them, something Bucky doesn’t understand, but it makes him blush and look away.

When they watch a movie afterwards, Bucky leans into Steve and Steve puts an arm around him. It feels safe and Bucky falls asleep in the middle of the movie. When he wakes up again, it’s dark and quiet. He is still leaning on Steve, who is asleep on the couch with him. There is a blanket around them. Bucky sighs contently and goes back to sleep.

They both wake up when Sarah comes and tells them breakfast is ready. Steve smiles and gives Bucky a hug before getting up from the couch. Bucky watches him move. He moves with a fighters grace, all muscles and strength. Bucky knows he fights often, that Steve fought Bucky several times, but because of the enhancements, there are no scars or marks on his skin. It’s smooth and soft and light. Bucky wants to touch it. For a brief moment he wonders if he could bite a mark into the skin that would stay for long enough for him to admire it. Then he forces himself to look away.

After breakfast Sarah leaves to go to the hospital and Steve goes to a meeting in the city, leaving Bucky alone in the apartment. He likes to be alone sometimes. He was always alone in his own apartment, when he wasn’t visiting Sarah or being visited by Pierce and Rumlow. Being alone gives him time to think.

He thinks about Steve. He thinks a lot about Steve. At first, he thinks about the way Steve is with him, what they talk about and what Steve has done for him. He tries to imagine what it will be like being alone with him. He wonders if Steve will want to take a shower after work. He does, sometimes. Then he comes back out with damp skin and wet hair.

Bucky’s thoughts move to Steve in the shower. He has seen Steve without a shirt several times. Steve has never been shy about his body and why would he? He has a perfect physique. Bucky images Steve naked in the shower and suddenly want means something different.

It’s not that he has never touched himself before. He has. But mostly he had been tired, in pain or so far removed from anything pleasant that he had felt no desire. Mostly the thought of Rumlow kept him from doing anything.

Closing his eyes, he remembers what it felt like to lay against Steve, to feel Steve’s lips on his own. His hands move almost of their own accord. In his mind, the lips move down his neck and over his chest. He slips a hand, the right one, the human one, down his pants and feel himself grow hard at the thought of Steve, of his hands, his arms, his lips. The way he moves. The way he would move with Bucky.

He imagines Steve’s hands on his body, his lips on his skin and moves his own hand faster. He is glad no one can hear him. He had forgotten how good it could feel, pleasure spiking through his body as his breath quickens. He whispers Steve’s name when he comes.

When he showers afterwards, he is still thinking about Steve. The thoughts are different now, but it always comes back to Steve.

Steve himself comes home some time later with dinner. They could cook, Sarah has taught them both, but Steve says they don’t have to. For a moment, Bucky is afraid that it will be different and awkward without Sarah, but when Steve sets the table and starts talking about his day, Bucky finds that it isn’t. It’s just as easy as always. Steve makes him laugh during dinner and they help each other clean up. Then Steve takes his hand and leads Bucky to the couch. When they sit down, Steve turns towards him.

“I like you Bucky, and I want this too.” Steve begins, taking Bucky’s hands. He never seems to mind the metal hand. “But it is important to me that you know, you can always stop this. You can always say no. No matter what happens, no matter what we are doing, no matter what you have agreed to. You can say no and I promise, I’ll stop. I will always listen to you.”

Bucky just looks at their hands. It’s a little overwhelming how patient and careful Steve is, how much he wants Bucky to be in control and make decisions.

“I… I don’t want to say no… But I… I don’t know what to do, how to…” Bucky says to his lap. Steve lifts their hands and kisses both of Bucky’s even though he can only feel it on the right hand. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out together. Just… Do what you feel like and we’ll take it slow… And you can always talk to me.”

Bucky nods slowly, looking at their hands again. Do what you feel like. It sounds so easy when Steve says it like that. Maybe… Maybe it is easy. Maybe it can be. Steve will stop him if he does anything wrong. Steve won’t get mad at him for trying. So Bucky leans forwards a bit and places his lips on Steve’s. It’s very soft and hesitant, but he gets a little braver when he feels Steve kiss him back.

Steve lightly places a hand around Bucky’s neck, his fingers tangling a little in Bucky’s long hair. Bucky grabs Steve’s shirt with both hands, holding him close as much as giving himself something to hold on to, when Steve’s tongue runs over his lip and Bucky opens his mouth to let him in. It’s a gentle exploration and Bucky leans in closer, for once not afraid to want something.

It feels good. For a while Bucky looses sight of anything but Steve. Then he leans in a little too much and they almost topple off the couch. Bucky freezes, knowing that he made a mistake. His fingers twitch and he almost kneels to receive his punishment. Then Steve starts to laugh. Bucky pauses for a moment, then he starts laughing too.

“C’mere Buck, let’s not do that again.” Steve says, pulling Bucky with him as he repositions himself on the couch.

They end up with Steve leaning against the armrest and several pillows and Bucky lying on Steve, kissing slowly. Steve’s arms are around Bucky’s waist and Bucky’s right hand is in Steve’s hair. The fire is slow, but all consuming and Bucky forgets that there exists anything but Steve in the world.

Sarah gets home some time later. Bucky hesitates a little when he hears her approach, but Steve just smiles and runs a hand through his hair. “She already knows. Why do you think she went to eat with her friends?”

Bucky still blushes and hides his face in Steve’s neck when the door opens.

“I see you boys are enjoying yourself.” Sarah says as she enters the living room.

“We are.” Steve is smiling. Bucky can hear it in his voice, even if he is still not looking. “Did you have a nice evening?”

“I did.” Sarah is smiling too. She even sounds smug. “I think I will be doing this more in the future.”

And she does. Once or twice a week after that, Sarah goes to have dinner with her colleagues, leaving Steve and Bucky alone. Mostly they do the same things they do when Sarah is there, eat dinner, talk and watch movies, but there is a lot more touching and kissing when they are alone.

Steve is patient with him, always. He likes this. He likes the way Steve touches his hair, they way his lips seek Bucky’s skin, the firm warmth of Steve’s body against his own. He likes being in Steve’s arms. Bucky is not completely sure he deserves to feel like this. In his dreams, he sees terrible things, people hurting and dying by his hands. Steve and Sarah tell him that he is not to blame for that, that Pierce and Rumlow made him do it, forced him without his consent, but he still wakes up screaming.

Steve has convinced him to talk to a therapist. Because Bucky is broken. Steve doesn’t say it like that, he says that the therapy is meant to help Bucky get better. To help him come to terms with what happened to him. It does help. After each session, he feels drained and raw and scared, but then Steve takes him home and they watch some animal documentary with Sarah and he feels better. Sometimes he cries himself asleep, but they never say anything. Steve just holds him and lies next to him while he sleeps. It keeps some of the nightmares away, but not all.

Bucky talks about a lot with his therapist and he tells Steve some of it. The nightmares and the beatings and the control and the killing and fighting and death. He tells what he remembers and how he feels abut it. He talks about Pierce more than he talks about Rumlow. He does not like to talk about Rumlow.

There are things he never talks about as well.

It’s not a single session that does it, but the more he talks to the therapist, the more he feels like a person. It helps. It just takes time.

Sometimes he is afraid Steve will tire of him, of his screaming and crying and nightmares and being broken. Steve is Captain America. No one would say no to him. Bucky is not sure why Steve wants him and not anyone else. But Steve never complains, never gets impatient, never does anything but smile at him with those shining blue eyes.

Steve calls him more than Bucky now. Bucky likes that a lot, but the first time it surprised him.

They are sitting on the couch, Steve leaning on the back of it and Bucky is leaning on Steve, his legs so far over Steve’s that he is almost in the soldiers lap. Sarah is reading to them from one of her new books. Bucky had therapy earlier that day and his head is resting on Steve’s shoulder. He is not really paying attention, but he likes to sound of her voice. He likes being with them. It feels like home.

He wakes up when Steve kisses his forehead. He doesn’t remember falling asleep.

“I think it’s time to put you to bed baby.” Steve mumbles into his skin.

For a moment, Bucky is confused, wondering whom Steve is talking to. It must show on his face, because Steve smiles at him. “What?”

“I… I just… Wasn’t sure you were talking to me…” Bucky says. It makes Steve smile more and kiss him firmly. “Ain’t no one but you Buck.”

It’s harder for Bucky to find new things to call Steve, because Steve is already an endearment to him. Steve means salvation and gentleness and patience and freedom. Steve is safety and home. Steve is everything he never dared to dream of.

He does find something, eventually. But finding it is unpleasant.

“Один”

\--

\--

Target confirmed.

\--

\--

Target engaged.

\--

Target incapacitated. Incision in the chest, shoulders and legs. Death expected within two hours.

\--

\--

He wakes up screaming, Steve holding him against the bed. He must have been kicking and hitting again for Steve to hold him down like this.

“Bucky!” Steve’s voice is loud, meaning he has been calling for a while. “Bucky, baby, wake up. It’s just a dream. You are safe. It’s a dream baby, please wake up.”

He stops fighting. It takes several moments of breathing and blinking before the world returns completely. Steve is above him, holding his wrists with his hands and using his legs to hold Bucky’s. It’s Steve’s voice, more than anything that brings him back.

Steve slowly lets go of him and lies down next to him again with a tentative smile. “Hey Buck.”

“St… Stevie… Please…” Bucky is not sure what he is asking for. He is still scared and shaking and he just knows that Steve is the only thing in the world that makes sense right now.

“I know baby. I’m here. I’ve got you.” Steve pulls him close, wrapping his strong arms around Bucky, and holding him almost too tight for Bucky to move. It’s safe and Bucky lets out a small whimper before he starts crying, clinging to Steve with everything he is.

Neither of them falls asleep again, but Steve holds him until the sun starts shining through the window and when they go to get breakfast, Bucky feels like himself again.

Still, despite the fear, the name becomes his afterwards. It’s a sacred thing, like a benediction. Bucky keeps it close and only use it when it feels right. Sarah calls Steve for Stevie too sometimes, but not in the same way. She calls both of them so many sweet things and it’s not the same.

Steve leaves for a few days when the trial starts. Tony has found evidence of embezzlement and bribes that Pierce will also be charged with. They have a solid case against him, Steve tells Bucky. When Steve gets back, it will be over. They are pretty sure Pierce and Rumlow will be locked up for good, they just need to make it official. Steve has done his best to keep Bucky from getting involved in the fallout and completely out of the media storm that followed the arrest. Tony found enough evidence elsewhere and Bucky does not need to appear.

Sarah still lives in the apartment with them, but she has begun to look for her own place, so she can move when this is all over. No one is going back to the building Pierce owned, but the Tower is far from the hospital where she works and she wants more privacy than she can find in the home of the Avengers. While Steve is gone, she pauses her search and spends all her time with Bucky. Sometimes she sings him to sleep. It helps keep the nightmares away.

Bucky has not begun looking for his own place. He never had much of an income, working for Pierce, but now he has nothing. Steve said he could stay as long as he wanted. Bucky has started to wonder if that could mean forever. He thinks, he would like that.

For the five days Steve is gone, Sarah does not let Bucky watch the news. It would be about the trial and both her and Steve agreed that it would be better if he not saw. Bucky doesn’t complain. Steve will tell him about it when he comes back. He would rather hear it from Steve.

Five days feel like forever but then the door opens in the middle of Evita and Steve comes into the living room. Bucky jumps from the couch and runs into his arms before he is really aware of doing it. Steve’s tired look disappears into a smile as he drops his back and puts his arms around Bucky.

“God, I missed you so much.”

There is a kiss then, before Bucky hides his face in the crook of Steve’s neck and allows himself to melt into the feeling of safety he can only find in Steve’s arms.

After the reunion, Sarah makes dinner and Steve tells them about the trial. Everything went as well as could be expected. Pierce had very expensive layers, but Tony had made sure theirs were better. In the end, both Pierce and Rumlow were locked up for life. Tony is overseeing the breakdown of Pierce’s illegal businesses and making sure the legal ones get a more competent CEO.

A week later, Sarah moves out. They help bring her things to the new apartment, both from Steve’s place and the old apartment. Tony had a hand in finding an apartment for her, so the new place is dry, big and light. It’s almost precisely between the hospital and the Tower, meaning that she is never far from Bucky and Steve. When they are done arranging the furniture and setting the books in the bookcase, Sarah calls for pizza and they eat together. It’s nice. The apartment is lovely, Sarah is happy and Bucky feels welcome in her new home. But Bucky is still a little sad when he goes home with Steve.

Steve’s apartment seems too big and empty when they get there. Bucky sits down on the couch, pulling his knees to his chest and his arms around them, resting his head on his knees. If the TV was on, he could pretend to watch that. As it is, he just stares at the wall without seeing anything.

“Hey…” Steve sits down next to him, knocking his shoulder to Bucky’s. “You okay sweetheart? You’ve been quiet since we got home.”

“Do you want me to move?” Bucky asks, quietly. Steve’s eyebrow raise in surprise. “Why do you ask that?”

“Because… Sarah left… And I… This is your apartment… You’ll want it to yourself again soon… I have been here for a long time… I… I should get my own place… Like before…” Bucky says. It’s hard to put into words. It’s even harder to wait for Steve to respond. Bucky wants to stay more than anything, but he can’t demand that of Steve. Steve has already done so much for him.

“Baby, listen to me.” Steve moves closer and turns Bucky to face him. “Sarah left because she wanted her own place. And because I, frankly, am way too old to be living with my mother. She left because she wanted to, not because I did. I would never ask either of you to leave. I don’t want you to leave Bucky. I like living with you. I want to live with you.”

“You… You want me to stay?” Bucky asks carefully, looking at Steve, who gently puts a hand on his cheek. “If you want to leave, I’ll help you find a place. I won’t force you to stay if you don’t want to. But yes. I want you to stay. I like living with my boyfriend.”

Bucky blushes, putting his feet on the floor so he can push into Steve’s side, letting Steve put his arms around him. Bucky likes the though of being Steve’s boyfriend. Of staying with him. He never realized before, but it is what they are now. Boyfriends.

“I want to stay.” He whispers into Steve’s skin. Steve just hums quietly and kisses his hair. Bucky gets to live with his boyfriend.

So normal becomes different. It’s not limbo anymore, but it’s not the same as before. Steve and Bucky live together, Steve goes to work some days and stays home when there is no threat. Twice a week, they go to see Sarah in her apartment. It takes a little while, but then it starts feeling right. It’s wonderful. So, of course, it has to go wrong.

Steve’s hands are soft and gentle. His lips touch Bucky’s, pressing ever so tenderly. Steve’s hand on his hip moves a little further down. Suddenly everything is wrong.

“NO!”

Bucky pulls away, huddling in a corner, hiding his face, his breath frantic. Hands on his skin, bending him over, holding him down.

“Bucky?” Steve sounds worried, but he keeps his distance. “Sweetheart, what… Oh… Oh no, honey, I’m so sorry…”

Bucky is not looking at him, but he can hear that Steve knows. He knows now and he won’t like Bucky anymore. He’ll leave to find someone better, someone who isn’t broken. He listens for the door, waiting for Steve to leave.

“Bucky… I… What can I do?” Steve takes a slow step closer. He is not leaving. Bucky want to run to him, to hide in his arms and forget everything else. But he can’t move. And he can’t bear the though of someone touching him.

“Baby, can you breathe with me, please? Just breath.” Steve is sitting on the floor some feet from him. He is breathing loud and slow, otherwise staying perfectly still. Bucky tries to follow. It’s hard, but listening to Steve breath is better than remembering. It feels like forever before he stops shaking and his breathing slows down again.

“’m sorry…” Bucky’s voice is hoarse and uneven.

“No, don’t be baby. This isn’t… None of this is your fault, I promise. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Steve says gently, finally moving a little. “I… Can I touch you Buck? Would that be okay?”

Hands on his skin. Holding him down.

But not Steve. Steve would never do that. Steve is kind and gentle. Steve made it stop. Bucky hugs his knees tighter, but nods slightly. Steve moves closer slowly, clearly telegraphing his every move. Carefully, he places a hand lightly on Bucky’s shoulder.

“It’s just me baby. It’s Steve. No one is going to hurt you. You’re safe with me. I’ll keep you safe.” Steve promises as he sits down next to Bucky. Close, but still only touching with his hand. It helps. Just being close to Steve makes it easier to breathe.

“Stevie… Please…” Bucky leans into him a little and Steve carefully puts his arms around him. It feels nothing like Rumlow. It feels safe. Steve is safe.

“I love you baby. I’m never letting anyone hurt you ever again.” Steve says vehemently, holding Bucky close. Bucky starts crying. And then, he starts talking. He tells Steve all the things he never told his therapist, everything Rumlow did, everything they never let him forget. At first, the words are halting and weak, but as he talks his voice becomes stronger and the words pour from him. He doesn’t stop until every word is bled from him and he feels empty and tired. At some point, he wondered if it might have been too much, if Steve would leave him because of this. But Steve is still there, listening to him, holding him, keeping him safe.

When he runs out of words, he slumps against Steve. He is exhausted. Steve runs his finger through Bucky’s hair. “I’m so sorry baby… I never knew… I… I’m so sorry…”

Steve turns his head gently, forcing Bucky to meet his eyes. “I would never hurt you Bucky. I swear. I will never do anything to you that you don’t want. I will never hurt you!”

Steve’s eyes are so blue, so honest. Bucky believes him. He knows Steve is nothing like Rumlow and would never do anything like he did. Steve loves him. He loves Steve too.

“I… I know you… You would never… I know… I’m sorry…” Bucky whispers, hiding his face in Steve’s chest.

“I told you, it’s not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault. And you don’t… We never have to do anything if you don’t want to. I understand.” Steve says gently.

“I do…” Bucky says, quickly looking up at Steve. “I mean… I do want… I want you… I just… I don’t know how… How to…”

“It’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.” Steve says kindly, kissing Bucky softly.

And they do. They take it slow, letting Bucky set the pace. Steve convinces Bucky to tell his therapist about what Rumlow and eventually he does. They talk a lot about Rumlow after that, both alone and with Steve. The therapist also talks to Steve alone, giving him the tools he needs to help Bucky.

Steve never does anything Rumlow did. He always lets Bucky know what he is going to do, always stay in front of Bucky, looking him in the eye as much as he can and he keeps talking to him, telling Bucky he is loved and in control. It takes time and a lot of the time they have to stop because it becomes too much. But when it works, it’s worth every failed attempt.

Steve’s hands are soft and warm on his skin, lighting a now familiar fire within him. His lips taste a little of salmon and spices from dinner. Bucky chases the taste into his mouth, letting his own hands move underneath Steve’s shirt. Steve’s body is firm underneath him, strong and solid, but it would move for Bucky if he asked. Steve never says no to him.

Steve is sitting on the couch, leaning on the armrest, his hands around Bucky’s waits. Bucky is in his lap, one hand in Steve’s hair, one on his shoulder. The kissing is slow, almost lazy, content with being nothing more than it is.

It’s nothing new. Most of their days end up with making out one way or another, but today it’s been going on a little longer than normally. That’s not a bad thing. It’s good. It feels really good. Bucky moves a little closer to Steve, wanting to touch as much of him as he can. Moving his hips, Bucky feels something else. Something that feels good too. He pauses for a moment, realizing that he is hard. That part is new. It does not happen for him often, even if he does want Steve.

Bucky stopping makes Steve open his eyes. “Baby? We… We can stop, it’s okay…” Steve looks a little flush and… huh… Bucky’s not the only one who is hard.

“No, it’s… Let me try something…” Bucky moves his hips slowly, grinding into Steve, who lets out a soft sound. It’s a sound Bucky has never heard before and it’s nothing like Rumlow. It’s a sound he wants to hear more, so he moves again, making Steve grip his hips a little tighter.

“Bucky… Please…” It’s hardly more than a breath and Bucky is pretty sure Steve didn’t mean to say it, but it means everything. Steve is asking. No, Steve is begging. Steve wants Bucky to want him, but he would never be mad if Bucky said no. It’s always his choice.

He grinds his hip down into Steve, watching his eyes flutter shut and his mouth open slightly. It’s… beautiful. Steve is always beautiful, but this is different. Grabbing both of Steve’s shoulders to steady himself, Bucky starts moving in a slow rhythm. Steve’s hands never move, staying on Bucky’s hips, but his breathing picks up. Bucky’s does the same as he feels the pleasure spike through him. His pants are too tight and he presses down further, searching for more friction.

“Steve… I… I want…” Bucky bites his lip, trying to put it into words.

“Anything Buck… Anything you want… Tell me…” Steve’s voice is husky and his eyes are blown. Seeing Steve like this, wanting Bucky, wanting Bucky to feel good, only makes Bucky want –

“More…” He whispers.

“Okay…” Steve licks his lip. “Can I touch you? Can I…” Steve lets go of his hip and moves his hands towards Bucky’s pants, pausing to look at Bucky, who nods slowly. Steve’s fingers ghost the skin on his stomach, making Bucky shiver. Then Steve’s fingers slip into his pants and grab his cock. Bucky lets out a breath, closing his eyes.

“Is it…?” Steve stays still, waiting.

“Yes… Yes, please…” Bucky nods and then lets out a moan when Steve starts jerking him off slowly. It feels so much better than what he has ever done to himself. Bucky forces himself to open his eyes and look at Steve. His eyes are so blue and so dark. Bucky leans into Steve and kiss him fiercely, trying to put everything he feels into the kiss. Steve moves his hand a little faster, swallowing the moan it draws from Bucky.

Bucky pulls away a little, grabbing Steve’s neck with his right hand and press their foreheads together. “You… You too… Not alone…” His voice only breaks a little and Steve smiles at him.

“Okay. Together.” Steve spends a moment opening his own pants with his left hand and getting his own cock out. The sight makes Bucky bite his lip. Then Steve wraps his hand around both of them and Bucky’s mouth falls open.

“Fuck… Steve…”

“I’m here Buck… Just you and me… I love you… You are so perfect, everything I want… So beautiful and strong… I love you so much…”

Bucky comes then, as much by Steve’s hand as his words. Because, even though Steve is the one moving, Bucky feels in control. They are together, doing this because both of them want it, because they care about each other. Because they are in love. They are lovers.

Steve comes too, a moment later. They catch their breath, Bucky leaning on Steve, feeling safe and good and relaxed.

“I love you too Stevie…” It’s the first time he’s said it aloud. He has felt it for a long time, but never said it out loud before. He lifts his head a little to look at Steve and is met by the most sparkling blue eyes he has ever seen and a long, soft kiss.

“I’m so glad Bucky.” Steve says when they finally part. “And I am so happy you trust me with this. Was… Was it okay? Did you…?”

“Yeah…” Bucky smiles a little shy. “It… It was good… I felt… I feel good…”

Steve smiles even brighter and kisses him again. It still feels like fire. A wonderfully warm, safe, loving fire. Limbo is normal now and Bucky is allowed to want things. And what he wants, more than anything, is Steve.

Steve, his lover, his boyfriend, his safety.

His home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand that's it :)
> 
> This one was a bitch to write sometimes, but I'm very happy with it :)
> 
> Let me know what you think.


End file.
